


Better Luck Next Time

by NothingLeftT0Say



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Friendships, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, like so slow, lost girls ova, lots of fluff, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:48:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29480193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NothingLeftT0Say/pseuds/NothingLeftT0Say
Summary: On that cold autumn day three and a half years ago, those men had taken everything from you. But you were taking it back. Eren might’ve been fighting for humanity, but you knew better. The humanity that he fought for wouldn’t allow your sister to be kidnapped and sold. The humanity that he fought for was far too good to allow a 10-year-old child to be beaten nearly to death, then ignored on the streets for days. The humanity that he fought for was not the one that you knew. The humanity that you knew was your enemy, and you were fighting to save your sister from them.
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Original Female Character(s), Eren Yeager/Reader, Jean Kirstein/Original Female Character(s), Jean Kirstein/Reader, Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith & Mike Zacharias & Hange Zoë, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Reiner Braun & Bertolt Hoover & Annie Leonhart, Sasha Blouse & Jean Kirstein & Connie Springer
Comments: 5
Kudos: 23





	1. Prologue

**846 - Winter**

_ Despite the fractured bones and bruises inhabiting your body, all you could feel was rage. They had taken the one thing in the world that had value with no warning or reason, and they forced you to watch. Bloody and battered, you stumbled down the backstreets of Stohess, searching for someone you knew was long gone. Passersby turned their heads, acting as though the sight of you would taint them. Every direction you glanced, you found nothing but the back of a head, walking in the opposite direction. You reached out to nothing, hoping someone might take your hand and guide you, yet all you received was a strong shove into the buildings that lined the streets. Your sight turned red, your world turned bleak. They had all ignored you. They had ignored her. If this was the world you belonged to, you were hard-pressed to continue living in it. You sunk down against the wall, your vision blurring as the metallic taste of blood filled your mouth. Damn them all. Every single person within these walls was no better than the titans outside. If you could just rest your eyes for a moment, maybe you could think… You could act… You could die in peace… _


	2. Chapter 1 - Homecoming

**847 - Summer**

**11:00 AM - Courtyard**

In a matter of seconds, Keith Shadis could tell the real from the fake. He had already seen past the tough exterior so many of his new recruits had put forth, crushing their self-confidence and shallow drive into nothing more than dust. But for some, the intimidation that the commandant could provide was nothing compared to what they’d seen. There was a coldness lurking within, a darkness that threatened to swallow him whole if he so much as disturbed it. There was no further evidence needed other than a simple look. And as soon as he looked into the mirrors of ice blue nestled within your eyes, he had already decided to move on to the next cadet. You couldn’t continue breaking what was already shattered beyond repair. 

You swallowed hard, keeping your eyes on the commandant as he sought his next victim. 

“WHAT DO WE HAVE OVER HERE?” Shadis spat at a taller boy with two-toned hair a few rows from you. 

“Jean Kirstein, I’m from Trost SIR!” The boy shouted back at him.

“AND WHY ARE YOU HERE CADET?”

“To join the military police, SIR! The best of the best,” 

You noticed the green-eyed boy across from you roll his eyes in seeming disgust and choked back a laugh. 

“That’s nice…” The commandant paused for a moment. You could almost see the sweat dripping down Jean’s forehead. “You wanna live in the interior, do ya?

You raised an eyebrow, unsure of where this was going.

“Yes-” Jean confidently confirmed to the commandant. It looked like things might be ok for him after al-

_ Nevermind. _

A headbutted and humiliated Jean now laid curled up in the dirt, clutching his forehead as the commandant continued to berate him. You bit your lip to keep from laughing, making eye contact with the same green-eyed boy as before. He gave a slight smirk, his feet rustling underfoot. 

“If you can’t handle this, HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA HANDLE THE MILITARY POLICE?”

The commandant continued his interrogations, moving down the line until he reached a short-haired boy.

“You’re up next,” he growled.

“Uh… me?” 

You had never seen someone look so utterly afraid before. 

“SIR! Connie Springer from Ragako Village SIR,” He saluted as he did so. 

_ Except… _

The commandant noticed just as you did -- his salute was wrong.

Before you could even register what had happened, Shadis held Connie by his head, dangling him precariously in midair.

“You have it backward, Connie Springer,” The Commandant snarled. He continued berating him, maintaining his grip as he did so. With each passing second, Connie’s eyes looked more and more as though they were about to bulge out of his head, filled with nothing but pure fear. You honestly thought that they might for a moment, but right before he reached the point of no return, Connie was miraculously saved by something even worse that caught the commandant’s eye: A girl about your age, eating… a potato…?

Shadis dropped Connie to the ground.

“Hey… you there,” Shadis said, almost at a whisper. “What do you think you’re doing?”

The brown-haired girl glanced around nervously, as though the commandant could potentially be talking to someone  _ else  _ eating a potato. She took another bite.

“YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON MY SHIT LIST! JUST WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU?” Shadis thundered. You could’ve sworn that the ground beneath you was shaking a bit as he spoke.

Potato girl swallowed and saluted, snack still in hand.

“Sasha Braus from Dauper Village at your service, reporting for duty SIR!”

_ What the hell? How was she so casual about this? _

“Sasha Braus, huh?” The commandant loomed over her with intent to kill. “And what is that you’re clutching in your right hand…?”

You squinted. Was she going to try to get out of this? You tried reasoning possible ways that she could, but none came. And before you could think further, Sasha spoke, breaking your train of thought.

“A steamed potato! It sat in the mess hall begging to be eaten, SIR!”

Shadis’ eyes widened.

“The theft… I understand… but here? Why eat it here of all places…? It almost seemed as though he was genuinely asking.

“It looked quite delicious. And it was getting cold. So I gave it shelter in my stomach, SIR.” 

You choked back another laugh.

“Why…? I can’t comprehend… WHY would you eat that potato...?” the commandant said.

Sasha furrowed her brow. “Are you… asking me why people eat potatoes..? I’m surprised you don’t know, sir..” 

The valley grew deathly quiet as everyone waited with bated breath for what would come next. But what no one could have predicted was what Sasha did next.

She broke apart her potato into two unequal halves and offered Shadis the smaller one. Like a devil.

“Here sir,” She said, “have half,”

“Have half? Really?” The commandant whispered. 

Sasha gave him a nervous smile. Maybe she had hoped that by offering Shadis part of her prized possession, she might gain a bit of sympathy. Instead, all she gained was an order to run laps around the base until dusk and a deficit of meal privileges for the next 5 days. 

_ I guess I won’t be seeing her at dinner _ .

**3:00 PM - Courtyard**

After what could’ve been hours, Shadis finally seemed to pity his new recruits enough to release them to get settled in their new lodging. 

“Finally,” a female voice behind you muttered. “Hey, uh…”

She tapped your shoulder, and you turned to meet the girl. She was of medium height and build, long reddish-blonde hair cascading over her shoulders in elegant waves. If you hadn’t heard her say she was from Krolva during the earlier interrogations, you would’ve assumed she was from Mitras just from how expensive she looked. 

“Theres, right?” You gave her a small smile.

She nodded. “Yep. Theres Wellmann! What’s yours? Shadis didn’t even bother asking you, so...”

“Emilia Felder. I’m from Stohess,” You responded. 

Her eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Really? Stohess? As in... Wall Sina Stohess?”

You laughed. “I mean, I don’t think there’s another one, unless I’m mistaken.”

She cocked her head. “I guess I’m just surprised that someone from Wall Sina would want to join the military is all,” she said.

It was a fair assessment, in her defense. Being from Wall Sina definitely had certain connotations -- especially regarding status and wealth. In reality, however, the closer you got to the capital, the larger the wealth disparity. Living within the inner district meant one of two things: luxury, or complete, unadulterated poverty. 

“Not everyone from Stohess is rich, you know,” You raised an eyebrow quizzically.

“Sorry!” She clasped her hand over her mouth. “I didn’t even think about that! So you’re, like… poor?”

You snorted. What an airhead thing to say.

“You could say that,”

“Well then, I guess you’re gonna love our new living quarters! Let’s run and get a bunk together before they’re all taken!” She grabbed your hand and began pulling you towards the girls’ barracks.

“Wait a minute -- when did I ever agree to be bunkmates with you?” You protested, still being dragged.

“Oh, uh… I just…” She stammered, stopping dead in her tracks. She began tracing her foot in circles in the dirt, face downcast.

“Kidding!” You shot her a grin. It was now your turn to do the dragging. 

**7:30 PM - Mess Hall**

By dinner that night, you had already become well acquainted with several of the girls in the barracks, for better or for worse. You had made fast friends with Theres, and Theres made fast friends with, well… everyone, disregarding a few notable exceptions. You hadn’t formally met any of the boys yet, who were still in their barracks, but you figured Theres would do the exact same with them.

_ I guess that’s what I get for bunking with an airhead _ , you laughed to yourself.

“What’re you laughing at?” Mina asked. She was a petite girl, her black hair drawn into pigtails on either side of her face. 

“Oh, uh… I was just thinking about potato girl earlier,” you lied. 

She snickered. 

“Yeah, it made me feel pretty lucky for only getting called a pathetic worm all things considered. Why do you think he skipped over you?”

You shrugged. “I wish I knew. Apparently, a lot of the ones he skipped over were ones who were there that day in Shiganshina, but I’m from Stohess, so..”

“Wait, why are you joining the military then?” Mina asked innocently. 

You sighed and began to respond, but before you could --

“She’s poor, Mina!!” Theres shouted all too enthusiastically, certainly loud enough for the whole mess hall to hear. The room erupted with confused laughter. Even with no context, it was  _ such _ a thing to say. 

Finally, you were able to catch your breath, and you reassured a very embarrassed Mina Carolina, that no, it was fine, it wasn’t some big secret. 

Poverty was the least of your problems.

“Hey, come sit with us!” Theres called to a few of the boys, who as a group were just now entering the mess hall. Your predictions had been nothing short of accurate -- she  _ had _ made quick friends. 

“This is Emilia Felder and Mina Carolina,” she said, gesturing to you both. “I met Jean, Connie, and Ben earlier!”

“Nice to meet ya!” Mina smiled towards them. “We were just talking about where we’re all from,”

“No,” You giggled, “ _ I  _ said I was from Stohess, and  _ Theres  _ said, ‘She’s poor!’”

The boys gave a look of confusion. 

“We can fill you in later,” Theres explained, a mischievous look filling her eyes.

“Well, better to be from Stohess than Shiganshina, right?” Jean smirked. 

“I dunno Jean,” Ben cut in, “Maybe you shouldn’t talk like that since some people here might’ve actually… ‘ya know,”

Mina and Connie exchanged glances.

“Yeah, actually... Connie and I were talking to some others earlier, and Eren and Armin were there. Mikasa too,” Mina said.

“Who’s that?” You scrunched your face together in confusion.

“That’s them,” Connie pointed towards a table in the center of the room. “The blonde is Armin, and the girl is Mikasa. The other guy is Eren,”

Suddenly, Eren turned to face you. 

He was the same green-eyed boy from earlier.

“Yeah, can we… help you with something?” Eren ruffled his hair, giving the six of you a quizzical look. You all stayed silent for a moment, unsure of how to continue.

You shifted your gaze towards Eren, only to find him staring straight back at you, the dim candlelight of the mess hall leaving nothing in his eyes but shimmers of gold.

_ Talk about deja vu. _

“Can you tell us about Shiganshina?” Mina said suddenly, getting up to move closer to where they sat. The rest of you followed, excluding Jean, who seemed to be far more interested in Mikasa.

From that point on, it was more of a press conference than a conversation. Eren answered each question more confidently than the last, unafraid to tell his new comrades what they wanted to hear.

“So, did you see it? You know… the Colossal?” Ben asked eagerly.

Eren looked up from his meal, staring him dead in the face.

“Yeah, ok? I saw the big guy.” 

A gasp emerged from the crowd surrounding the table.

“Exactly how tall was he?” Someone else asked.

Eren sighed. “He stuck his head over the outer wall,”

“Woah, seriously? I heard he stepped over the wall completely!”

“So did I!”

“That was a rumor in my village too!”

“Nah,” Eren looked up from his food again, “He was big, but not  _ that _ big,”

“So what did it look like?” Mina asked, eyes glued to the boy in front of her.

“It had a mouth like a corpse. And no skin -- just muscles,” he said matter-of-factly.

“And the Armored Titan? The one that broke through Wall Maria?” Another cadet chimed in.

“Is that what they’re callin’ it?” Eren paused. “In all the panic, it was just another titan to me,” 

You pursed your lips. Did he really mean everything he was saying, or was it an act? He was brushing titans off as if they were some sort of wild animal that could be easily taken down. It was tempting to call him on his bullshit.  _ So tempting.  _ But then, you remembered -- Shadis didn’t even stop in front of him earlier today, so there must have been  _ some _ truth to his words, no matter how grandiose and full of it he might have seemed.

“No way… So, what were they like?” A boy named Samuel asked, his face stricken with what could only be described as a sort of masochistic curiosity.

This must’ve been the wrong question to ask. The sound of a spoon clanging echoed across the room, bringing time to a standstill. Eren looked as though he had seen a ghost, his face white, his eyes wide, and his hands quivering as he brought one to his mouth.

“Come on! That’s enough questions, alright?” A tall, freckled boy spoke up. “I’m sure he’d rather not relive everything he went through,”

Connie, seeing what they’d done, began to apologize, “Sorry, we didn’t mean to -”

“It’s not like that!” Eren said, taking an aggressive bite of his bread. His face had changed. It was no longer painted with the cool confidence that he had displayed earlier, but pure bloodlust -- with a hint of stupidity. 

“Those stupid titans. They’re really not that big ‘a deal! If we focus on mastering the ODM gear they gave us, then it’s Titan payback time. I’ve waited years to be trained as a soldier; all of a sudden, the reality is sinking in. I’m joining the Scout Regiment, then I’m sending the titans back to hell. I’m gonna butcher them all,” He growled.

You slowly got up and began walking back to your table. You had seen more than enough -- this guy was unhinged, clearly. 

“Hey, are you crazy or somethin’?” Jean’s voice sounded from where you had been sitting before. “Not that it’s any of my business, but signing up for reconnaissance is like a death sentence,”

You sat down across from him and glanced to the side. Jean wasn’t wrong. The scouts didn’t exactly have the best track record. More of them would come back in body bags or not at all than would come back alive. But, still, you respected them. You might’ve been joining the MPs, but if not for your sister…

“I guess we’ll see. Or at least I will. You seem content hiding in the interior with the MPs” Eren said, his voice turning cold.

_ Okay, ouch. _

“Look, I’m just speaking honestly here, kid. I think it’s better than being some loudmouth-braggart-tough-guy-wannabe pretending he’s not as piss-scared as the rest of us,”

Eren stood up, the room growing silent. “Are you trying to pick a fight?” he dared.

“Stop it, you guys!” The same freckled boy seemed to enjoy being a voice of reason. You laughed quietly.

“Alright, sure. Makes no difference to me,” Jean accepted Eren’s challenge. The two walked towards each other, standing face to face. But before anything further could happen, a bell rang, signaling the end of dinner.

Jean exhaled. “Hey. I apologize.”

Eren glared at him, obviously not buying a word he said.

“Sorry for calling you names and dismissing your choice of career. Put ‘er there kid, whaddya say?”

You had to admit, the guy was smooth if nothing else.

“Right. I’m sorry as well,” Eren said just as insincerely, holding out his hand to meet Jean’s. After slapping Jean’s hand away, he calmly walked out towards the door, Mikasa in his wake.

“Hey, Emilia, check it out,” Theres snickered, “Looks like someone’s got a crush,”

You couldn’t make out what Jean was saying, but from what you could gather, it looked like a pathetic attempt at flirting. “Pathetic” because Mikasa seemed to completely brush him off, leaving him stammering in the middle of the mess hall. Guess the guy wasn’t so smooth after all. 

“Theres, what are you -” She had gotten up and raced to the door, peeking around the corner to spy on Jean.

She gave a quick “shhh!”, pressing her index finger to her lips. 

_ What an airhead _ .

**10:00 PM - Women’s Barracks**

“Oh, come on!” Theres whined, tugging on your shirt, “There must be  _ someone _ you thought was cute!”

You rolled your eyes. “I swear, I really wasn’t thinking about it!”

It seemed that your very insistent friend was not about to accept that as an answer. She jumped up, ran into the center of the bunk room, and cleared her throat loudly.

“AHEM,” She began in a regal manner, “I am now officially calling all girls within the vicinity to an emergency meeting, for my dear comrade over here is… how do I say this…,”

You shot her a glance, almost as if to say, “ _ go on, _ ”

“Lame! Ah yes, that is indeed the word,”

“C’mon Theres, I don’t think everyone here has a boy picked out like you do,” You scoffed playfully. 

She raised an eyebrow.

“I beg to differ, my dear friend.” Theres turned towards the opposite end of the room, extending her hand to form a beckoning signal. “Penelope! Mina! Sofie!” She sang.

The three girls turned their heads to Theres from where they had been having their conversation. 

“Get over here,” She commanded, “I need your opinions,”

“Uh, sure!” Mina chirped, making her way over to where you and Theres were. The other two followed. 

“What do you need our opinions on..?” Penelope wondered aloud.

You tugged on your lip. “You really don’t need to worry about it, I swear. Theres was just asking me if I thought any of the guys were cute and then when I said I didn’t think about it, well…” 

“Hey! I think it was an appropriate reaction,” Theres said, pouting.

“Well…” Sofie said slowly, “Jean was kinda…”

“Jean?!” Sasha had heard from across the room and now came bounding your way. “You’re kidding, right?”

“What about Marco, maybe?” Penelope cut in.

You tilted your head. “He seems nice, but I don’t really know, to be honest,”

“Oh, so she  _ does _ have opinions!”

“Theres!” You snapped. 

She laughed. “Kidding! And did you guys see that guy Chris?”

“Chris Shaffer?” Sasha said.

“ _ Schiffner _ ” Theres corrected her gently. 

_ He was kinda cute, now that I remember _ , you thought. 

_ No. _

You shook your head. What were you thinking? You weren’t here for anything of this sort. You weren’t here to make friends, or talk about boys, or - 

“Hey, Emilia?” Sofie’s voice broke you out of your trance. “You with us?”

_ Shit, I guess I zoned out. _

You stiffened your posture and gave a meek smile.

“Yeah. Sorry guys, just tired. I think… I think I’m gonna go to sleep.”

As much as you wanted to keep talking with your new comrades, you were scared of what might happen if you did -- of getting attached, or trusting them so much that you revealed your true intentions. You were here for one reason, and one reason only: To become an MP, find your sister, and punish whoever was responsible for her kidnapping by whatever means necessary, even if that meant losing out on some friendships.

_ Sorry, Theres. Maybe in another life that isn’t so terrible, we really could be friends. _


	3. Chapter 2 - Bound

** 847 - Summer **

** 10:00 AM - The Courtyard **

“IT’S APTITUDE TEST TIME, SO LISTEN UP!” Shadis’s voice thundered across the courtyard as the sun began to rise to its midmorning position. 

“THERE’S NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE IF YOU CANNOT PERFORM! FAIL, AND YOU’LL BE SHIPPED TO THE FIELDS!” 

You could practically feel the wave of fear that swept across the cadets, glances darting from side to side, fingernails being bitten to the root. It was now or never. If you failed now, it was over; there were no second chances. 

_ But if I just remember what Erwin said, I can do it _ . 

The voice of the commander rang in your head, replaying over and over like a broken record. “Let the gear do the work  _ for _ you” He would say. “Finding your balance is the least of your problems if you’re unable to work in tandem with the device,” He told you. But though his words somewhat brought you solace, the more you watched cadet after cadet fail spectacularly, the more your nerves began to overpower your tentative confidence. Especially seeing  _ him _ fail. The thought of his green eyes wide, the light fracturing and breaking inside of them, was something you would be hard-pressed to forget. Eren had been so confident yesterday, rambling on and on about killing titans and saving humanity, and now, his dream had been shattered by a single crank of a lever. What if you were no different?

“FELDER, YOU’RE UP!”

_ Ohnoohnoohno _ .

Legs shaking, you clipped into the testing device. 

_ Breathe deep. Remember Lina.  _

_ Lina.  _

_ Lina. _

With your mind trained to that single name, you gritted your teeth, tightened your core, and prepared for the absolute worst. This was nothing. You had no right to be scared of an aptitude test when Lina could be fighting for her life at that very moment. And as the crank hoisted you into the air, you stayed perfectly still, too focused on your sister to even entertain the thought of failing. 

“Alright, good. Let ‘er down,” Someone’s voice commanded in the distance. You wondered who passed…

“LINA!'' The same voice yelled. You glanced around nervously. 

_ Lina? Where? Was she safe? _

“EMILIA FELDER! I SAID TO UNCLIP, CADET! YOU PASSED!”

Your eyes widened. 

“Me?” 

“Yes, you. Now unclip, unless you’re secretly hoping to be sent to the fields!” The commandant said.

_ They meant me….? _

_ Oh shit. _

As soon as the realization dawned on you that  _ you _ were the one that passed, you speedily unclipped yourself from the gear and ran to go meet a grinning Theres.

“You did it!” She exclaimed, grasping your hands and jumping you up and down with her. “I knew you could!”

“Well, same for you! You did amazing!” you said, your eyes bright.

Her expression darkened. “I feel for the ones who couldn’t though. It was really hard to watch-”

“Eren,” you said solemnly. He was still on your mind, despite you having now passed your test. Something about that look in his eyes haunted you, consuming your very being.

“Hey,” Theres put her hand on your shoulder. “Y’know, you could always try to help him,”

You looked up at her, one eyebrow raised.

“I mean… who knows? Maybe it’s just a bad day for him and with the right encouragement, he’ll shape up!” Theres grinned as she spoke.

You gave her a meek smile. 

“Yeah… I’ll talk to him,” You managed.

** 7:00 PM - The Courtyard **

“Hey, Eren!” You called over to him from the steps of the women's barracks. 

“Emilia, right?” he said as he reached you.

“Yeah, so, uh…” You began slowly.

“You’re not gonna make fun of me like horse face, are you?” He asked drearily.

“Oh, no!” You shook your head rapidly. “I just… wanted to see if I could maybe… help with the ODM stuff,”

Eren shifted his glance to the side.

“And, uh… I just… I happened to know someone really good at ODMing, so I thought I could tell you some of the stuff he told me before I left,”

Eren refocused his gaze on you and blinked a few times before finally speaking.

“You’d do that?” he asked.

You softened your expression. “I think… we’re similar. As in, why we’re here and… stuff like that,” you tiptoed as you spoke, careful not to reveal too much.

“That sounds great, then,” Eren smiled softly. “I was actually going over to meet Mikasa and Armin to get some practice in. Wanna join?”

“Yeah, definitely,” you confirmed. 

The two of you began walking over towards the ODM testing equipment in silence, the red light of the waning sun peeking between the buildings of the outpost. In moments of peace like this, it was easy to forget the hell that you faced. 

“So, you said we’re similar, and that’s why you’re helping me,” Eren broke the silence you shared. “What’d you mean by that?” he asked.

You glanced in his direction, maintaining your pace. “I guess I’m here because... there’s something that I need to do. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to meet that end. I think we’re the same in that way.”

“But, what is it that you have to-”

“We’re almost here. I’ll tell you about it another time, okay?” You eagerly cut Eren off. As much as you wanted to tell him, you could never fully know who you could or could not trust, and you needed to be wary of that fact. So, instead of sharing what could be considered “highly sensitive information”, you ran ahead to greet Mikasa and Armin. 

“Why are you here? I haven’t seen you with Eren before,” Mikasa asked, genuinely curious.

“She says she knows someone who’s really good at ODMing and has some advice,” Eren called out to her.

You laughed nervously. “Family friend, I guess,”

The four of you talked for a bit more while Eren clipped into the gear. At first glance, you definitely wouldn’t have thought them to be as close as they were, but after only a few minutes of conversing, you could tell that their bonds ran deep. 

“So,” You said as Eren readied himself in the harness, “What Erw-,”

_ Shit, can’t say that name. _

“Sorry -- I stuttered." You coughed before continuing. "One of the things he told me is that the most important thing is to work in tandem with your gear.”

Armin raised an eyebrow.  _ No, that was intentional _ , he thought.

Eren nodded.

“You have to let the ODM gear do the work  _ for _ you instead of fighting it.” You continued, “I don’t know if that’s much help, though.”

“Just remember the basics and you should be fine,” Mikasa said firmly. “No need to try any fancy maneuvers; just focus on your balance, then distribute your weight evenly between the belts on your waist and your legs,”

“And loosen up your stance a little bit. If I could do it, I know that you can!” Armin added.

“Ok,” Eren said shakily. “A loose stance with balance. Let’s give it a shot, Armin.”

You held your breath as Armin began to crack the lever. 

_ Please. _ You hoped silently. 

But your hopes were unanswered. As soon as Eren was off the ground, he immediately flipped over, ramming his head into the dirt with a bang. 

“Eren!” You cried out. 

“Shit.” He murmured, trying to lift his head. 

“Don’t move just yet,” Armin cautioned. “You’re bleeding.”

“Let’s get him to the medical building,” Mikasa said, lifting Eren over her shoulders. “Armin, you come with me. Emilia, go let the commandant know.” 

You and Armin both nodded, affirming your respective roles.

“I can come by after I tell the commandant if you want,” you offered.

“No, it’s ok,” Armin said kindly, “Eren, well… he just does this a lot, so honestly, we’ll probably see you at dinner,” 

“He’ll be ok,” Mikasa said, Eren clinging to her back like a drunk toddler. Honestly, it was hard not to laugh at the sight.

“Let me know if there’s anything else I can do,” You called out to the trio, already headed towards the medical building.

“We will!”

** 7:30 PM - Mess Hall **

After alerting Shadis to Eren’s  _ condition _ , you made your way to the mess hall for dinner only to find a very antsy Theres waiting for you.

“Emiliaaaa,” She sang as she dragged you to a table, “Where were you? Everyone was worried!”

You laughed. “Sorry to worry you all. I was just helping out Eren with ODM stuff, remember?”

“Ohhh, I remember now,” Theres giggled. “Anyway, you know everyone, right? Oh! Except Marco and Chris. Marco Boldt and Chris Schiffner, meet Emilia Felder. Oh, and Chris, Emilia- OW!”

You stomped on Theres’s foot with all of the force you could muster. If you could help it, you weren’t going to let her out you like that.

“Sorry about her,” You said, your face turning hot. “Nice to meet you guys,”

“Same to you!” said Marco, grinning.

“What he said,” Chris added.

You looked around the table at the group that Theres had patched together: Jean, Sasha, Connie, Marco, Chris, Sofie, Penelope, Mina, and Ben. You smiled to yourself. If there was one thing Theres knew how to do, it was bring people together.

_ She might be more cut out to be a host, _ you thought.

“So, how’d the suicidal maniac do?” asked Jean, pursing his lips. 

You sighed. “Honestly, not good. I’m worried for him. If he can’t get it together by tomorrow, he’ll be shipped off to the fields.”

Jean smirked. “ _ Honestly? _ It’s kinda funny to me to watch the guy crash and burn after all of his talk yesterday.”

“Oh, come on, Jean,” Connie said. You sensed that despite his nagging at him to stop, he didn’t really mean it.

“Yeah, Jean,” Sasha chimed in. 

_ Ok, yeah, they were clearly egging him on. _

“Well, I hope he does well!” Marco said, beaming. “He has so much spirit, so it would be sad to see him have to leave. We need all of the willing soldiers we can get these days,”

“Eh, whatever,” Jean groaned. “Not like I have any real say in the matter. Personally, though, I don’t see much value in someone who’s borderline suicidal, that’s all,”

“I don’t know about that… I think he’s just revenge-driven. Joining the scouts is his way of avenging his mom, maybe,” you said.

“Doesn’t really make a difference when you’re getting eaten. Bastard is gonna be titan fodder someday, count on it.”

“That’s  _ if _ he makes it through tomorrow,” Sofie snickered, inching towards Jean on the bench. 

Theres leaned forward onto her elbows and stared up at the ceiling. “Interesting,” she wondered aloud.

“What the hell do you mean by that, Theres?” Jean asked, his brow furrowed.

“Oh..,” She hummed, “Nothing.”

An awkward silence befell the table. Eyes shifted nervously around, darting from Jean to Theres to Sofie to… you, for some reason. You began to laugh quietly.

“What’re you even talking about, you airhead?” You teased Theres, who began laughing with you. Soon, the entire table was laughing alongside you both. 

Finally, Mina caught her breath. “It’s weird though… I mean, thinking about where everyone is going to end up in a few years,” she said.

Sofie nodded. “Only the top 10 get to join the military police, and the rest will either join the garrison or the scouts. Personally, I  _ know _ I’ll be top ten, so that leaves nine,”

“Little presumptuous there, aren’t we?” Theres said, elbowing you in the arm a few times. “Jean and Marco are also shooting for top ten, so… good luck?”

“What about the rest of you?”Marco asked.

“I’m totally dead set on joining the scouts. And before you go yell at me and tell me I’m dumb, I know. But my mind is made up,” Theres said solemnly. 

Your face fell slightly. The rate of survival in the scouts was bad, to say the least. Most of their people came back in pieces rather than on horseback, and those were the fortunate ones who  _ had _ remains to bury. 

“Don’t look so sad, Emilia! I won’t go down that easy,” Theres had noticed your change in expression. 

“Oh, it’s not what you think! I was actually just thinking that we won’t be in the same core. I’m shooting for the MPs,” You were mostly telling the truth, but you didn’t want Theres to think that you thought she didn’t have what it took. 

“The MPs? That’s surprising,” Jean said.

“Well, I guess I’m full of surprises,” You joked, your eyes meeting his. “I’ll see you there, Kirstein.”

“Right.”

** 10:00 AM - The Courtyard **

The sound of metal cranking in your ears, you held your breath. Eren was being tested for his second and final time, and if he failed, it was over for him. Your eyes shifted from his head to his feet as he began to rise off of the ground.  _ Please _ . You prayed silently, your eyes shut tight. You were almost afraid to open them and find Eren suspended upside down. You waited quietly for a gasp or some sort of indication that something had happened, yet no such sound was heard. You realized -- all you could do was look. But as you did, eyelashes leaving your line of sight, all that you saw was him, upright. Shaky, yes, but upright. You clasped your hands together, grinning like a little kid. This wasn’t even your victory, but it sure felt like it. 

Then, all at once, that victory was snatched from your hands. Eren flipped and didn’t recover. You lowered your arms to your side, looking downward. In the background, beneath the murmurs and the gossip, you could hear Eren begging and pleading for another chance to prove himself, but you knew how this went. He’d be sent to the fields, and -

“Jaeger, switch out your belt for his,” 

_ Wait, what? _

Almost as quickly as he had flipped, Eren was suspended in the air once more, but this time, with little to no difficulty.

The commandant sighed. “It looks like a clasp on your belt was broken,”

“His belt was broken?”

“So he  _ can _ do it after all!”

“He managed to stay upright with broken gear?”

A new type of murmuring broke out within the crowd. You pursed your lips, smiling ever-so-slightly. It looked like you’d be seeing the suicidal maniac in action after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added a little monogatari reference in there if you caught it!! I miss hachikuji and araragi sm :(
> 
> For the next chapter, in order to move things along a little faster while maintaining the character development and the fun stuff, I'm going to make it a collection of short stories revolving around the seasons. Might take a little longer to complete -- not that I think anyone is really waiting on it anyway lol, but just in case.


	4. Chapter 3 - Changing Seasons

**Summer - 847**

Nothing could compare to the freedom you felt while flying through the trees, leaves brushing against your face, wind at your back. You were a bird in these fleeting moments, possessing the impossible power to take flight and travel anywhere you wished -- far away from here. Darting from tree truck to tree truck, your eyes scanned the canopy; you just needed to spot a flash of blue or red, and the point was yours. 

For your first major ODM training exercise, Shadis had come up with a game of sorts: The cadets would be split into two teams randomly, then compete with each other to retrieve flags hidden throughout the giant forest - in whatever way necessary, be it finding them organically or stealing them. At the end of a three-hour period, a bell would sound, the exercise would be declared over, and the team to obtain the most flags would win. You felt pretty confident in the abilities of your team, especially since you had Reiner, Mikasa, Annie, Chris, Marco, and a few others that would give anyone a run for their money. As for the other team, they had, at least most notably, Jean, Eren, Connie, Sasha, Bertholdt, Sofie, and Theres. It would be a tight race, for sure, but you knew that the outcome of this game had the potential to set the course of the rest of the year. Though lighthearted in spirit, everyone knew that this was no time to goof off. And as you set off at the sound of the starting bell, you made sure everyone knew that you meant business.

In the beginning, the ODM gear had taken a bit of getting used to, especially the heaviness of the equipment and the general feeling of weightlessness. But gradually, you adjusted, and before you knew it, you were zipping through the canopy, collecting flags left and right. After about an hour, you had lost count, but you estimated you had amassed somewhere around… 37? Potentially a few more than that, even. You swooped down onto a large branch to rest for a moment. This was going better than you could have imagined!

“Hey, Emilia,” Chris’s voice rang out from behind you.

“Chris! Hey!” You greeted him cheerily as he landed next to you on the branch. “How’s everything going for you so far?”

“Pretty good. I think I grabbed maybe… 5 or 6 flags so far? And they hid 100 total, right? So that’s a good portion of ‘em. How many have you gotten so far?”

“Uh… 37,” you said hesitantly. 

Chris’s eyes widened. 

“Holy shit, 37? That’s insane!” he exclaimed.

You could feel the blood rushing to your face as he stared at you. 

“I-I think I just got lucky,” you stammered. “I found a lot of the flags in one area, so…”

“Still though,” 

The two of you stood in silence on the branch, a cool wind blowing through your hair. It was hard _not_ to look at the boy next to you, though -- his golden-brown hair and matching eyes were difficult to dismiss. You wondered what he thought about you…

“Alright, well, I guess I need to catch up!” Chris broke your comfortable silence, grinning.

“Yeah…” you said, your voice trailing off. You stepped forward after him, still lost in your thoughts. 

Only problem was, there wasn’t exactly anywhere for you to step forward onto.

_Oh shit._

Panicking, you shot your anchors at the nearest branch you could find and boosted yourself towards it. But no sooner than you attached the ODM gear to the branch, you heard a deafening CRACK. The branch you had made your lifeline began to hurtle towards the ground, you with it. Now, you were desperate. You shot your gear into any twig and leaf you could find, attempting to somehow slow your fall. The sounds of metal wires and snapping branches filled the air as one by one, you attached and broke them, and as you hit the ground, a searing pain shot through your ankle and hip, and the wind was knocked out of you. 

“Fuck,” you groaned. 

You _had_ slowed your fall, but evidently, it wasn’t enough to prevent injury. Clutching your throbbing left ankle, you gritted your teeth. This would certainly make it more difficult to continue with the exercise, but it was doable. At least, that was what you thought before you shifted your attention to your hip. As you lifted your shirt, you saw it: The broken clasps of your belt shattered, tearing into your flesh and leaving a sizable cut. You hissed, the metal in your side shifting as blood oozed from the wound. But you had to get back somehow. And so, mustering all of the strength you could manage, you slowly lifted yourself off of the ground. 

As long as you were able to return within the remaining hour and a ½ you had left, you could still win. You began to limp, wincing with each step. It was all you could do to remain upright and take things moment by moment.

Suddenly, you heard the sound of ODM gear zipping above you. 

_Did Chris notice my fall and come back for me?_

“EMILIA,” A shout came from above, but it wasn’t Chris. You looked up, only to see Jean and Sofie heading your way.

You stopped in your tracks, wondering their intentions.

“Jean… Sofie!” You smiled meekly at the pair as they landed on the ground nearby.

“Damn, are you ok?” Sofie asked, walking to you.

“I’m ok. I just fe-” You stumbled, hissing as you hit your hurt ankle on a rock. 

“Woah there,” Jean stepped in front of you and grabbed your shoulders to hold you upright. His eyes scanned you up and down, assessing the damage. He paused as his eyes met your hip, noticing the bloody cloth of your shirt. 

“Jean, listen,” Sofie shouted at him from behind the two of you. “We should take her flags and leave her. She’s on the other team, so there’s no benefit to us helping,” 

Jean’s face contorted into a scowl. “Are you serious?” He spat.

“Of course I’m serious! We might be comrades but this is a competition. We’re only hurting ourselves here.”

Jean loosened his grip on your shoulders. 

“Don’t worry about me. I can get back on my own,” you said softly, staring up into his eyes. Slowly, you removed his hands from your shoulders, handed him your flags, and began to limp in the direction of the starting point. Your feet dragged along the dirt floor of the forest, leaves crunching underfoot. Though the pain in your side and ankle was increasing by the moment, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask them for help. 

_Not when all three of us are chasing the same thing._

“Wait!” Jean called after you. You turned to meet him, only to find him a few feet away, offering the flags he now possessed to you. “Sofie,” He growled, “I’m not going to leave her in the middle of the woods like this. If we don’t help her, she could end up stranded. This might be a competition, but we’re comrades, just like you said. You can either help me or leave,”

“Hmph,” Sofie scoffed. “I’ll see you later then,” And with that, she took off, speeding through the forest as if she had never even stopped.

“Sorry about her,” Jean apologized. “You know how she can be -- super intense and competitive. Here, uh… grab on. I’ll get us back.”

“How do you want me to -”

“Like this,” Jean grabbed your arms and swung them around his neck, picked up your legs so that he cradled you, and took off. As you flew through the air together, Jean holding you tight, you felt your eyes begin to water and your lip quiver. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered into his neck.

“For what?”

“I… don’t know,” you sniffed, crying softly into his chest.

“Don’t apologize,” He chided gently. “You’re my friend, right?”

You nodded.

“Then it’s settled. You don’t need to feel bad for anything. I’m helping you because I _want_ to,” He said.

You looked up at him, the wind lightly moving his hair out of his face. He looked so… confident, his lips curved upwards into a gentle smile, his eyes focused on the path ahead. And if it hadn’t been for the air blowing into your eyes, you surely would have noticed the light tint of pink dusting his cheeks as well. After a few more minutes of flying in comfortable silence, the starting point came into view, and Jean carefully began to land. 

“Commandant, SIR! Emilia needs medical attention,” Jean said as he let you down. 

“What in the hell happened here?” Shadis bellowed down to you, now sitting on the ground at his feet.

“Jean had nothing to do with it, sir!” you pleaded. “A branch snapped, and I fell and damaged my gear. He just found me and took me back, sir.”

The commandant shifted his glare to Jean. You held your breath.

“Good work, Kirstein,”

You exhaled, relieved that nothing bad would happen to Jean on your account.

“Now get back to the exercise!” Shadis barked. 

As soon as the commandant finished his sentence, Jean took off. 

“How many flags did you gather before you fucked it all up, Felder?” Shadis turned to you, glaring menacingly through the pits of darkness you assumed were his eyes.

“37,” 

He snorted. “Maybe it’s fortunate for the others that you got out when you did,”

_No._

_I’m the fortunate one._

**847 - Fall**

“Pst! Emilia! Wake up!” Theres’s voice woke you from your slumber, her head peeking over the rail of the bunk.

You groaned. “What is it? If it’s something dumb, I’m going back to sleep,”

“No, I swear! It’s worth your time,” she said insistently. “Just come outside! Oh, and bring a jacket,”

“Fine.” 

You figured that at this point, it would be much easier to give in than to listen to her beg for the next thirty minutes. Stretching your back, you exhaled and rolled over to the ladder to climb out of bed. This wasn’t the first time she’d done this. A few weeks ago, it was because she had suddenly thought of an ODM trick - one that ultimately turned out to be something we’d learned literally the same day. Another time, she’d woken you up because she really needed to rant about how “Shadis can get it”. You pretended to forget about that one. This time was different, however. As you walked outside onto the porch of the girl’s barracks, it wasn’t just you and Theres. Standing in the cold autumn air, you found not only Theres, but Mina, Chris, and Ben.

“Surprise!” Theres whispered loudly. “Remember how the other day, during dinner, we were talking about hiking and where we’re from?”

The four of you nodded, still very much confused.

“Ok, so I was talking to Eren and Reiner, and Reiner mentioned that there’s this really cool trail leading up above the outpost. I thought we could go find it!” Her eyes flashed in the darkness. 

“I’m game if the rest of you are,” Chris said, putting his hand on your shoulder.

 _Fuck. I can’t say no now_.

“Yeah!” You laughed nervously, very much aware of the pink tint that had taken over your face. 

Mina and Ben exchanged glances.

“Sure!”

“Alright,” 

The stars out in the country looked so much brighter than the ones you could see in Stohess. Though you knew that you were under the same sky, something about them glowed differently. Walking up and out of the valley, you couldn’t help but admire them. Your feet moved forward on their own, climbing step after step, all while you gazed at the world above you. After about an hour or so of hiking, the five of you reached the destination Theres had spoken of -- and it was just as beautiful as she had said. Out below from the rocky outcrop that you stood upon was a lake with mountains erupting from the earth around it, sparkling a clear blue in the light of the full moon. It was as though you could view each individual beam of light coming down from the night sky and trace its direction to where it met the surface of the water. Small clouds hovered just above the lake, refracting whatever light passed through them and creating ever-darkening shadows on top of the glimmering blue. And for what felt like hours, the five of you stood in complete silence, awestruck at the sight of it all. You felt Theres grab your hand. 

“They definitely don’t have this in Stohess, do they,”

You mumbled a response before turning to the rest of the group. They were all still completely still, eyes glued to the scenery in front of them. 

“This is amazing” Mina whispered. 

“Yeah, it is,” Chris said quietly.

“I could stay here all night,” Ben added.

_Oh damn. You had to be back by morning, and based on the position of the moon, it was fast approaching._

“Hey, guys?” You spoke a bit louder than before, cutting into the soft silence that surrounded the group. “We should get back before the sun starts to rise. I want to stay too, but we can always come back as long as we don’t get caught,”

“You’re right,” Chris pursed his lips, “As much as I wish you weren’t,”

“Theres, you remember how to get back, right?” Mina addressed your self-proclaimed group leader.

Theres grinned, a face you had become all too familiar with. “Yeah, obviously! Do you really think I’d take you all the way out here if I didn’t know my way there and back?” 

You weren’t sure exactly how many times you had passed that tree by now, but it was definitely more than twice. That rock, too. And that other tree. You groaned loudly. For the past half-hour, by your estimations, you had gotten absolutely nowhere. 

“What’s wrong?” Theres asked you as though she had absolutely no idea what could possibly be bothering you.

You stopped in your tracks, seething. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! If you haven’t noticed, we’ve been walking in circles for thirty minutes,”

Chris grabbed your shoulder from behind and stood beside you.

“Calm down,” he said. “I’m sure it just looks familiar. We’re in the woods, after all,”

You blushed. Maybe he was right, and you were just paranoid. Theres didn’t have the best track record when it came to navigation, but as dumb as she could be, she wasn’t dumb enough to get lost all the way out here. 

Right? 

“Wait,” Chris spoke again, more hesitancy in his voice this time. “Yeah... I’ve definitely seen that rock before. Theres, uh…”

“We’re fine!” She exclaimed in protest. 

“Theres…” Ben said slowly.

“Can we just stop for a moment and get our bearings?” Mina chimed in. “Maybe we can like… recalibrate!”

You sighed. “Good idea. Since we’re definitely walking in circles, I’d bet money that there’s a clearing with some logs and rocks we can sit on ahead,”

Theres shot you a glare. “How much money?” 

“500.”

“I don’t have that much, so I'll bet you 50. I’m a great navigator, and you need to have some respect for your esteemed comrade!”

“Deal.”

Much to Theres’s disdain, within the next couple of minutes, you found yourself with 50 new dollars to spend and a place to sit. 

“Look, Theres, we’re not mad at you,” You began cautiously. Theres, feeling absolutely humiliated, had begun to tear up.

“Yeah,” Mina said. “Ben would totally get us lost too,”

“What the fuck does this have to do with me?” Ben said, visibly confused. 

“So let’s just move on and figure out how in the hell we’re gonna get back, ok?” You walked over to her and wrapped your arms around her tightly. 

“Ok,” She sniffed.

“Well, good thing is, we’re on a mountain, so we know that we have to at least go down. Let’s start by just walking straight ahead. Anyone have a better idea?” Chris said to the group.

None of you said a word. Slowly, you began to follow Chris straight ahead down the mountain, with nothing but blind faith to guide you. As time went on, the moon that you could see faintly through the trees kept growing ever closer to the horizon, as if it were the world’s most stressful hourglass. All of the walking was taking its toll on you, too. It had only been a few months since you had messed up your ankle, and overexerting it was a surefire way to bring your condition back. The pain had been steadily growing since you began your trek back, and it was beginning to reach your breaking point.

“Hey, uh… Emilia,” Ben said suddenly.

“What?” You snapped.

“You ok there? You’re just… walking funny…”

You looked down towards the ground, still keeping in pace with the rest of your friends. 

“Is it your ankle?” 

You remained silent. The last thing anyone needed right now was another thing to worry about. 

“Emilia, if you’re hurting, let me-,” Chris stopped in front of you abruptly, causing you to run into him and stumble back to the ground. “Shit, sorry about that!”

Brushing the dirt off your knees and butt, you pushed yourself back up to your feet. 

“I’m ok. Please, don’t worry about me,” You said firmly. There was no way you were giving everyone another problem to deal with.

“...Ok…” Ben said hesitantly. He stepped back, signaling that he was giving up. But Chris on the other hand… In the time that Ben had stepped back, Chris had hunched over, hands perched behind him.

“Get on,” He said.

Your eyes widened. “Get… on?”

“Yeah, like… my back? I’ll carry you the rest of the way. Pretty sure we’re almost there anyway, so it’s not a big deal,”

Your face grew hot. 

_Why does he always make me feel like this?_

“No!” Theres shouted from behind you. “Listen up pretty boy, if anyone is going to carry Emilia back, it’s me. I’m the one who got us into this, so it should be me.”

As nice as the offer was, you struggled to hide your disappointment. Once Theres had made up her mind about something, there was no going back. You sighed, then got on her back. She was stronger than you expected. 

“C’mon guys!” She chirped, speed-walking ahead with you on her back. “Are you really gonna let 2 and a ½ bitches beat you back?”

As the stars began to fall out of the sky to make room for the day, you caught a glimpse of the camp. Tapping your foot to her side as though she was a horse, you signaled Theres to let you off so that you could walk the rest of the way.

“I really didn’t know if we were going to make it back on time,” Mina sighed.

“You’re telling me,” Chris groaned.

Ben seemed to be more focused on you.

“Emilia, you’re ok now, right?” He said as he walked beside you, a concerned look plastered across his face.

“I’ve been ok, Ben. I only let Theres carry me because she’s annoying!” You laughed.

He breathed a sigh of relief, though he didn’t seem convinced.

“As long as you’re ok, that’s all that matters.”

“Ben!” Chris shouted at the brown-haired boy you stood next to. “Let’s get back to the barracks, man. Shadis is gonna kill us if he finds us missing, and I doubt we have even an hour left to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Ben nodded, and the two of them took off towards the men’s barracks.

“I told you I’d get us back!” Theres sang triumphantly.

You giggled. “And you still didn’t! Chris did, though!”

“Details, details,” she teased. Suddenly, her expression turned solemn. “I’m sorry again. I didn’t mean to get us lost, and I should’ve been more responsible.”

“It’s really ok,” you said. “After all, you didn’t mean to, so I can’t be mad,” 

Theres smiled softly. 

_I could never be mad at you._

**849 - Winter**

You had gone through training exercises like this one last winter, but despite your familiarity, trudging through the mountains during a blizzard never really got any better. By the time you reached base camp, you and everyone else were completely wiped.

“Holy shit…” Theres whined, her back flat on the ground next to you in the snow. It had probably been at least 30 minutes since you had gotten back, but everyone was still in the same position that they were when they arrived -- Theres sprawled out across the ground like a starfish, Sasha and Connie leaning on each other, You, Jean, Ben, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin slumped against a fence, and everyone else standing around You counted the faces around you, eyes growing heavy. Theres, Penelope, Ben, Chris, Sasha, Connie, Eren, Mikasa, Armin… you counted all the way around the camp, ending at Jean and Sofie. 

Your eyes shot open, and you began to hurriedly tap your friend next to you. 

“Theres. Theres. Theres?” 

She lolled her head to the side to face you. “What the fuck are you doing?” She groaned, half asleep. 

You turned to your other side to face Jean, who had noticed your movements.

“Hey, uh… you ok?” He asked you in a confused tone. But before you you get a word out, Reiner came running up to where all of you sat, looking noticeably worried.

“You guys seen Christa?” 

Eren let out a small gasp, eyes wide.

“Not for a while,” Mikasa said. “She _was_ with Daz, and he wasn’t doing so good.”

“Yeah? Well, he’s not here.” Reiner responded, holding his hand up. “Ymir isn’t back yet either.”

“They’re probably mixed in with the last squad,” Marco said, walking over to where all of you were talking. 

“That’s just it,” Reiner turned to face the edge of the camp, “Thomas was leading the last squad, says they never saw them..”

A silence filled the cold air. Christa and Ymir going off alone was nothing new, but Daz too…

“H-hold on… do you think they’re lost?” Armin stammered.

Connie sighed. “Man, if they get stuck out there in this snowstorm, they’re done for.”

“Son of a-” Eren growled as he stood up, gritting his teeth in frustration.

“Eren,” Mikasa grabbed his hand, pulling him back.

“I have to go back out there and try to find ‘em!” he said, that same intense look in his eyes that you had grown all too familiar with. 

“I’m with you!” Marco chimed in. 

“Me too,” You nodded and stood up.

Suddenly, a voice called from across the camp.

“In the cabin, now!” it commanded.

“But Christa and-” One of the sergeants cut Eren off.

“We know. A rescue team will be sent out at first light,” She said coldly.

“They’ll have frozen to death by then!”

“Do you want more people to die!?” As she spoke, an icy gust of wind blew through the camp, slapping all of you in the face.

You looked to the side. She had a point, but knowing Eren, you knew that he would go anyway. You had gotten to know the boy pretty well over the past year and a half, actually. Despite your diverging choice of career paths, you saw that he possessed the same ambition and thirst for revenge as you, and you admired him for it. Though he didn’t know your reasons for being so set on the MPs, he understood that your reasons for joining were not like Jean’s, and likewise, he respected you for it. The two of you got along well, spending countless meals together talking and laughing and so you knew -- when he got that look in his eyes, he was about to be dangerously impulsive.

“Damnit…” Eren muttered, clenching his jaw.

“As much as I want to go look for them, she’s right. I’m not saying we should wait until morning but we should wait until the storm lets up a little bit, ok?” you said, forcing him to look you in the eyes. “We need to think this through. If you ran off without a plan and froze to death, I’d blame myself for not stopping you, and I’m sure Mikasa and Armin would blame themselves too.” 

He exhaled and bit the inside of his lip.

“Don’t be an idiot. C’mon,” You grabbed his wrist and dragged him inside of the cabin. 

And so, you all waited. But with each passing minute, you could feel yourself growing more and more restless. You weren’t particularly close with Ymir or Daz, but you didn’t want them to die. And as for Christa, you considered her to be one of your closest friends in the corps. 

_If she dies, I don’t know what I’ll do._ You thought.

You paced around the room, trying to think of something, _anything_ to do. Footsteps creaked over the wooden floorboards, biting into the silence. Fifteen minutes felt like a lifetime. You glanced over at a sulking Eren, only to find that he was doing the exact same thing. You exchanged looks, his eyes as green as ever in the candlelight. Suddenly, he spoke, turning to address Mikasa and Armin behind him.

“Like our instructor said, we don’t want more people to die than may already have,”

“That’s precisely why I’m coming with you,” Mikasa said firmly.

“I can’t just sit around and do nothing,” Armin added. You nodded at Eren, signaling to him that you intended to do the same. 

Then, Reiner and Bertholdt entered the room.

“Really?” Reiner said, condescension in his voice. “What the hell is this?”

Eren turned to face the two older boys. 

“L-look. Don’t try to stop me!” 

“You’re, uh... “ Bertholdt cut his protests off. “Gonna need a lot more gear.”

Wait, what?

“You can’t do this on your own. You’re gonna end up like the folks you’re trying to rescue,” Reiner continued.

Bertholdt nodded. “The more eyes you’ve got in your search party, the better, right?” 

For the first time in a while, Eren seemed genuinely caught off guard.

“Well- we-” He took a breath. “I suppose… we can use all the help we can get”

“Great,” Connie said from across the room, standing with Sasha and Marco. “Then count us in too.”

“Sounds like the storm’s letting up a little bit. We should be ok” Marco chimed in.

Sasha grinned, holding up a box of food. “I brought some extra rations, just in case!”

You laughed softly to yourself. 

“Thanks, guys.” Eren smiled. 

“Told you.” You nudged him in the arm. “We just needed to think things through,”

“Yeah, yeah,” He said sarcastically. 

Then, a bang. It was like nothing you had previously heard, ringing out from across the valley. Was it an avalanche? 

“What was that? An avalanche?” Armin asked, mirroring your thoughts.

You all ran outside to investigate, yet as you stood in the middle of the blizzard, all you could see was the frozen landscape in front of you… and a glowing ball of light on the horizon.

“Look! Someone’s coming!” Sasha yelled, and she took off running toward the figure. The rest of you followed.

It was Ymir, Daz in tow. 

“Ymir! Where have you been? And where’s Christa?” Theres exclaimed.

“Lost. Also, Christa’s right behind me, so don’t worry about her. She’ll be here soon. What you should really be worrying about is saving this idiot from hypothermia,” She said in her usual monotone voice. 

“Ohmygosh, you’re right!” Penelope stammered. “Reiner, Mikasa, Bertholdt -- can you help carry him back?”

“You got it,” Reiner said, lifting Daz over his shoulder. 

“Let’s get him back,” Bertholdt added. With that, the three of them took off in the direction of the base camp. One by one, the others began to return as well, leaving you and Eren standing in the snow together, alone.

“You’re always saving my ass, you know that right?” he said softly.

“I didn’t do anything,” you said, “I just talked some sense into you. You care a lot and it’s really great, but sometimes, rushing off does more harm than good, ya know?”

He nodded. 

“I care too.” you continued. “And if I’ve thought things through that day, I might’ve been able to do something to get her back,”

“Huh?” Eren furrowed his brow.

“Uh- nevermind. Forget I said anything, please?” You had said far too much.

“You’re always doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Starting to talk about something and then stopping, like you have something to hide,” He said, staring off into the distance. Eren was right. In all of the time that you’d known him and everyone else, you’d never told them about your Lina, Stohess, and how you even ended up in the military.

You looked up at him meekly. “I’ll tell you someday, just not now. It’s not that interesting though,... but I promise I will. I want you to trust me, ya know?”

Eren sighed. 

“I already do trust you, dumbass.” He smiled softly, patting your head. “...But I’ll hold you to that. No pressure.”

**Spring - 850**

“Emilia, you cunt! That was my kill!” Theres shouted at you through the trees.

“Be faster then!” you shouted back at her, an obvious tinge of sarcasm in your voice.

“Go run into a tree!”

“Bitch!”

“Slut!”

Over the past few years, exchanging insults with Theres while training had become a pastime. And now, as you completed your last training exercise before your final evaluation to determine your rankings, both of you intended to make the most of it.

“Woah, you guys fighting?” Jean asked as flew behind you.

You giggled. “No way, she’s like my sister. This is just how we communicate, _Jean-boy_ ,”

“Don’t call me that!” He spat, face growing red. “Are you guys ever going to forget about that?”

“Say hi to your mom for me!” You smirked and sped off into the forest. 

By the end of the day, you had racked up about 29 “titan” kills, falling just short of the top three, occupied by Mikasa, with 36, Reiner, with 31, and Bertholdt, with 30. As long as you kept this up, you would be set in securing your spot in the top 10 -- and most importantly, in the Military Police. 

The day had arrived for the final examinations. You began in combat, accounting for 25% of your overall score. Fate was a cruel mistress that day, and you were paired with Reiner for the first round, Annie for the second, and Ymir for the third. You fared well enough, keeping on the matches for a good while and nearly securing wins against Reiner and Annie, but ultimately, you were only able to defeat Ymir, who seemed oddly disinterested in fighting. Next up was the classroom section, tested in the form of a written examination and worth another 25%. Though you wouldn’t know your true results until the top 10 were posted, you felt fairly confident about your performance. You hadn’t slacked in the classroom for the past three years, after all. Finally, it was time for the ODM evaluation, making up 50% of your final. 

_If I fail here, I’ll never be able to-_

“Go get 'em, Emilia!” Theres put her hand on your shoulder and pulled you into a side hug. It was easy for her to say -- after all, Theres didn’t _need_ to make the top ten to join her desired branch. 

“Y-yeah,” You said, swallowing hard. It was now or never. 

At the sound of the starting whistle, you took off into the forest. Your objective was simple: Cut down as many titans as you can within 15 minutes, and don’t screw up. If you fell even once, you were finished, immediately failing the exam. As you flew through the air, you could feel your hands shaking. You thought back to the very first ODM exercise three years ago, and how you fell and snapped your ankle. You gritted your teeth. 

_That isn’t going to happen again. I’m going to pass, fight, and join the MPs._

You weren’t about to let Jean-boy save you again. On your left, you spotted your first titan and swiftly flew in, spinning towards it, and cutting your blades clean through its nape. One down. Another came into your view on the right. Once more, you shot towards it, slicing through the dummy with ease. And another. And another. After a few minutes, you stopped counting, focusing only on the task at hand. You had something that most of the others didn’t; you weren’t fighting for yourself. You were fighting for Lina. 

On that cold autumn day three and a half years ago, those men had taken everything from you. But you were taking it back. Eren might’ve been fighting for humanity, but you knew better. The _humanity_ that he fought for wouldn’t allow your sister to be kidnapped and sold. The _humanity_ that he fought for was far too good to allow a 10-year-old child to be beaten nearly to death, then ignored on the streets for days. The _humanity_ that he fought for was not the one that you knew. The humanity that you knew was your enemy, and you were fighting to save your sister from them. 

Before you knew it, your blades were nearly depleted, and the sound of the finishing bell rang in your ears. You weren’t sure exactly how many you had taken down, but from examining the gear of those around you and how many blades they had left, you had outclassed nearly everyone. 

“Holy shit, Emilia, how many did you take down?” Mina asked hesitantly, looking at your lack of blades.

You blinked a few times, trying to remember. “I’m… not sure,” you said finally. 

“ALRIGHT MAGGOTS, I HAVE YOUR TALLIES FOR YOUR FINAL EXERCISE!” Shadis roared to the small crowd that stood before him. “In fifth place, we have Jean Kirstein, with 16 kills!”

You turned to the copper-haired boy behind you, smiling. Jean was always one of the best in your class, and this was just further proof. 

“In fourth place, Reiner Braun, with 19 kills!”

Predictable, really. On top of being like a big brother to everyone, Reiner was a force to be reckoned with. It was as if he came into the military with military training.

“In third place, Eren Jaeger, _somehow_ , with 20 kills!”

You laughed at the comment. Eren was definitely middle of the pack in the classroom, but he was pretty good at hand-to-hand combat and ODMing. 

“In second, Mikasa Ackerman, with 26 kills!”

You held your breath. How was Mikasa in second?

“And first, with 34 kills…” Shadis paused, reveling in the anticipation. The crowd around you murmured, wondering who it could’ve been that surpassed even Mikasa.

“Emilia Felder!”

Your eyes widened, and time stood still. You felt hands clapping your shoulders, people hugging you from behind, and heard the faint sound of applause and cheers, but you couldn’t tell where it was coming from. There was no way.

“You’re sure, sir?” You asked Shadis quietly.

“Positive. I don’t know what got into you, but you broke the record, cadet,”

You felt a stinging in the center of your face as if you were about to cry. But now was not the time for crying. 

The next day, as you stared at the results posted on the bulletin outside the mess hall, you could hardly believe your eyes. 

  1. Mikasa Ackerman
  2. TIE - Reiner Braun & Bertholdt Hoover
  3. Annie Leonhart
  4. Emilia Felder
  5. Eren Jaeger
  6. Jean Kirstein
  7. Marco Boldt
  8. Connie Springer
  9. Sasha Braus
  10. Krista Lenz



_Lina._

_Just hold on a little longer._

_I’m coming for you._


	5. Chapter 4 - Flash

**10:00 AM - TOP OF WALL ROSE**

It was all ending too soon for your liking. The cadets had been your home for the past 3 years, but within a few days, you were going to be shipped off to Stohess as an MP to finally start your real mission. Standing atop Wall Rose, it was hard not to completely lose yourself in your thoughts. But thanks to a certain loud ginger, you remained grounded, though annoyed.

“Emilia! Grab that barrel for me, will ya? Miss 4th place in the class?” Theres gave you a sly grin, her golden eyes shining in the midday sun. Since the rankings came out the other day, the redhead hadn’t stopped bringing it up, much to your embarrassment. You were a talented soldier, yes, but you had never deemed yourself as being worthy of making the top 5. Sofie seemed to share that opinion.

“I really don’t get how you got fourth, honestly. No offense though. I just feel like there’re people better than you… like Ymir,” The blonde said, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

“Please, don’t give me that,” Theres shot her a glare as she spoke. “You’re just bitter that you didn’t make the top 10. Don’t take it out on Emilia.”

“It’s ok, Theres,” You laughed Sofie’s comment off. “Sofie was definitely good enough to make top ten. I just got lucky, is all.”

“Lucky is getting Armin and Krista in hand-to-hand combat, and that’s exactly what happened to blondie over there. You got… What, 34 kills? That’s skill! Stop being so humble,” Theres said to you, pursing her lips. 

“I’m just happy that I get to join the MPs, really,” You said, a wistful look filling your eyes. 

“You ever gonna tell me why you’re so dead set on them?” 

You glanced to the side, letting the wind tousle your hair around. As much as you wanted to tell her, it was too soon. It just wasn’t time… yet. 

All of a sudden, a commotion arose from over where Mina and Eren were standing. With each passing second, more and more of your fellow soldiers were crowding around them, and despite your attempts to stand on your toes to catch a peek, being 5’4 only gets you so far. Eventually, you gave in to your frustrations and jogged over to see what was happening. 

“Put it back!” You heard Connie shout.

“Yeah,” This voice sounded like Mina. “Do you know how rare meat’s been since the titans took Wall Maria?!”

You scuttled over to Eren and tapped him on the back.

“Hey, what’s going on?” You asked him from over his shoulder, barely above a whisper.

“Oh, hey,” He said, turning his head to face you. “Sasha stole some meat from the officer’s pantry…”

“Sasha!” You cried out. “Seriously?!”

You weren’t usually the type to get riled up about her antics, but Mina was right; Meat was more valuable than some precious gemstones these days, and if Sasha was caught, she could get axed. 

“Just think of it this way!” She smiled, putting the meat into a crate. “Pretty soon, we’ll take back all the room we need for livestock.”

All of you turned to look out at the vast expanse of land beyond the wall, all of it formerly yours. But though the land was right there in front of you, being able to take back Wall Maria seemed impossible, a wish that would never come true.

“...I would really like a slice please!” Samuel exclaimed suddenly.

“Hey, if he gets one, so do I!” Connie added. “Just… so you know,”

Eren looked from side to side, a sigh of confusion leaving his lips.

“I’m in too!” Mina said confidently.

“...But-” 

“C’mon Eren,” You teased in a sing-song voice, speaking directly into his ear so that a chill ran down his spine. “You know you want it,”

He groaned. “Ok, ok. I’ll get some later.”

“Don’t just stand there,” Samuel said. “If they see us slacking off, we’re in for it.”

Mina took the hint, waving and walking away. “See you guys at lunchtime!” 

You followed her lead, waving to Eren and the rest, then running to catch up with your friend.

“When is lunch, anyway…?” You wondered aloud.

But in a few short moments, that question would no longer have any relevance. From the ground below the place where you were standing moments before -- where Eren was now standing -- a flash of light illuminated the midday sky, outshining the sun. And in its wake, you saw something you had prayed that you would never see:

The Colossal Titan.

No sooner than you bore witness to its horrifying face, an overwhelming blast of burning hot steam knocked you off your feet, sending you into freefall from atop the wall. 

“Mina!” You shrieked, shooting the hooks of your ODM gear into the wall to grab hold.

“I’m here!” She shouted back. 

“Samuel!” You heard Connie cry from afar. In the distance, you could see it; Samuel’s body was hurtling towards the ground without a sign of life to be found. 

Sasha detached herself from the wall, propelling herself downward and just barely catching him by the leg before he hit the ground. 

“Try not to move!” She shouted.

It was all too much. You closed your eyes, hoping that maybe this was just a bad dream, as cliche as you knew that was to think. But the feeling of your heart beating out of your chest was unmistakable; this was all too real. 

“The gate,” Mina breathed shakily from next to you. You looked up at the sky. Though you knew exactly what she meant, what she saw, you didn’t want to confirm what she said for yourself. There was no going back once you did. 

But you knew. 

If you didn’t face reality, you couldn’t fight. 

And if you couldn’t fight, you couldn’t win. 

And so you turned your next to the side, staring head-on at the gaping hole in the gate that had stood so sturdy just minutes before. 

You felt your breathing pick up, your eyes beginning to water from the sheer gravity of the situation. If they broke through the gate to Wall Rose, humanity was done for. And you would never see her again. 

Lina.

You grit your teeth.

“This is it, people!” Eren thundered, drawing his swords. “DO OR DIE!”

Eren was the only one to actually make it to the top of the wall to face the monster head-on. Though you tried, by the time you were near the top of the wall, the titan had begun to swat at the canons that sat there. Each time you shot your hooks over the top in an attempt to propel yourself over the wall, they would be knocked loose, sending you flailing wildly through the air. 

But you weren’t about to leave Eren alone. 

Using every ounce of strength that you had left, you grappled onto the hand of the Colossal and let yourself be thrown into the air. The moment you were higher than the wall, you released your hooks from the titan and grabbed onto the top of the wall. 

“Eren!” You cried out.

He didn’t seem to hear you. Acting as irrational as ever, he swung around to the back of the Colossal’s head and barrelled towards it. You held your breath. 

Is he really about to take it down? 

But no sooner than you could think that, the titan unleashed yet another thick cloud of burning hot steam, nearly throwing you off of the wall for a second time. This time around, however, you were able to counteract the forces pushing you backward by using your ODM gear. What you had grabbed hold of, you didn’t know, for the steam was so heavy and overwhelming that you could barely see the ground beneath your feet. You could hear Eren struggling and fighting, but no matter how hard you fought to move forward to go help him, it took all that you had to stay in place. The sound of his cries grew closer, and then, you saw him. Slicing through the steam, pure rage within his eyes, Eren attacked… nothing. The Colossal Titan had vanished, leaving nothing behind but absolute destruction.

“What the-” You heard Eren say from below.

Footsteps sounded from behind you. It seemed that the others had finally made their way up. 

“Eren, where’d he go? Did he get away or did you take him out?” Thomas yelled out to the boy clinging to the side of the wall.

“He’s gone!” Eren responded. “Just like five years ago. He’s here one moment and gone the next. Just like that!”

You sensed nothing but pain and dissatisfaction in his voice, and your hunch was confirmed to be fact upon seeing his disillusioned face as he climbed back into the top of the wall. 

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. 

“Don’t apologize,” Thomas countered. “Look at us; we were too scared to move!” 

You bit your lip. Sure, you had tried, but it almost felt worse to know that you had failed so miserably.

“HEY!” Connie butt in. “Wallow on your own time. In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a breach. We have to act now -- if they start pourin’ in, that’s it!”

“Look alive!” A soldier from the garrison regiment landed on the wall before where you stood, prompting the four of you to quickly salute. “Operation Colossal Titan Response is in effect. I expect you to take part! Report to HQ; if you got close to the damn thing, we need details!”

“Sir!” 

“SIR! We pray the advance team will be victorious!” 

Over the shrill sound of Connie’s voice, you could hear the frantic ringing of church bells in the distance, as if to say get out while you still can. Even after the advance team had moved on, you stood frozen in place, still locked in your salute.

“C’mon,” Connie tugged on your sleeve. 

“Yeah, you coming, Emilia?” Thomas asked you.

“Mhm,” you hummed and nodded, lost in thought. Your feet continued to stay planted.

“Snap out of it!” Eren said, frustration in his voice. “This isn’t like five years ago. We know so much more now, and we can defend ourselves this time! We don’t have to be victims anymore!” 

It felt like he was attempting to convince himself of that more than he was trying to convince you. 

“Ok,” You whispered. “Let’s go.”

**HQ**

“OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FIRE, CADETS! TIME TO PUT YOUR TRAINING TO WORK! I HAVE FAITH EACH OF YOU WILL BE A CREDIT TO YOUR REGIMENT”

You could hear your superior yelling words of encouragement in the background, but you found it difficult to listen. One by one, you attached gas tank after gas tank to your gear and put blade after blade into their designated slots. It occurred to you that this might well be the last time you ever do this. Shaking, you attached the last piece of your gear and took a breath.

“It’ll be ok,” You murmured as you crouched on the ground. “I’ll see her again, and it’ll be ok,”

“Emilia,” Jean’s voice startled you, causing you to fall on your ass and your gear to clank loudly on the concrete. “Sorry... probably shouldn't have snuck up on you like that, especially right now.”

You took another shaky breath, your throat constricting with every movement.

“Do you need something?”

“I’m just grabbing some more blades,” He said cooly. Though he was doing much better than you were at putting up a collected front, you could see right through him. Jean-boy was terrified, too. 

“I’m scared as hell too, ya’ know,”

You looked up at him to see if you heard him correctly. 

“You’re shaking. I, uh... thought it might help to know you’re not the only one. Look around.”

Your eyes circled the room. Left and right, you could hear the sobs and terrified rantings of your comrades. That they might not make it out alive. That they’ll never get to say goodbye. That they’ll never see their family again. 

“Do you... know if your mom is safe?” you said, your voice breaking.

Jean went silent, staring down at the ground. 

“...I don’t know.”

You sniffed, pushing off of one and standing up. 

“I guess we’ll just have to live to find out, then.” 

He nodded, and after hooking up the final pieces of your gear, you walked out into the paved courtyard to await your orders, feet feeling lighter than before.

~~

“I WANT EVERYONE SPLIT INTO FOUR SQUADRONS AS PRACTICED!” Captain Woermann bellowed from where he stood. Though you knew he was only about 40 or so, he looked as though he had been to hell and back multiple times. “ALL SQUADRONS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SUPPLY RUNNING, MESSAGE RELAY, AND ENEMY COMBAT UNDER THE COMMAND OF THE GARRISON REGIMENT. THE INTERCEPT SQUAD WILL BE TAKING THE VANGUARD, CADETS WILL BE TAKING THE MIDDLE GUARD LED BY A SUPPORT SQUAD. REAR GUARD WILL GO TO THE ELITES. I EXPECT YOU ALL TO MAN YOUR POSTS KNOWING THE ADVANCE TEAM HAS BEEN WIPED OUT!”

Gasps rippled through the audience.

“THAT’S RIGHT! THE OUTER GATE IS HISTORY! THE TITANS ARE IN!”

You could feel your entire body beginning to numb.

“THIS MEANS THE ARMORED TITAN IS LIKELY TO REAPPEAR. IF, AND WHEN HE DOES, THE INNER GATE WILL ALSO BE HISTORY!”

The murmurs running through the crowd began to grow louder.

“Is this real?” 

“Please be a dream,”

“God, what if the bastards manage to bust through Wall Rose?”

“QUIET” Woermann shut everyone up.

“RIGHT. THOSE IN THE VANGUARD, BE READY! THE WHOLE AREA IS WELL NOW SATURATED. YOUR MISSION IS A VERY SIMPLE ONE: DEFEND THE WALL UNTIL THE EVACUATION’S DONE!”

The captain paused. 

“Now. Be aware that desertion is punishable by execution... IF IT COMES TO IT, LAY DOWN YOUR LIVES! DISMISSED.”

“SIR!” 

You saluted with a hard thump to your chest, then took off running to your squad. 

When you saw them, they didn’t seem much better than you. Daz was throwing up as Christa comforted him, Mina, Ben, Chris, and Sofie were curled up on the ground, crying into their knees, and Jean…

Oh fuck.

“What kinda question is that?” Jean was practically spitting into Eren’s face, obviously heated about something. “We’re all about to be titan chow! You expect me to sing you a happy little song? You’re loving this aren’t you, you little psycho? ‘Course you are. Your whole life’s aspiration is to be eaten!”

You started towards them both. Normally, you would just let them fight it out, but not now. Everyone needed their strength. It seemed Mikasa had the same idea, and you locked eyes with her as you met in the middle.

“I was one day shy of shipping off to the MPs!”

“Jean, get a hold-” Eren was actually trying to reason with the guy for once.

“Nope! Not all of us are suicidal.”

“Damnit! Shut up for a second!” 

You heard a thump as Eren swiftly and strongly shoved Jean into a column. 

“We’re trained for this! What do you think the last three years were about?”

You stopped in your tracks.

“We survived. We stared death in the face and we lived. Not everyone can say that, can they? Some people couldn’t take it and either ran or were thrown out. Hell, some people actually died -- but not us! Am I right? We powered through for three years. What’s one more day?”

Mina and Chris lifted their heads from their knees.

“You can do this Jean, alright? The MP will still be waiting for you tomorrow.”

Eren stepped back and released Jean from his grip, leaving the brown-eyed boy speechless. It seemed he wasn’t the only one either. Everyone else was now quiet, soaking in the aftermath of Eren’s words. Suddenly, you felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Emilia, can I talk to you for a second?” It was Ben. 

“Uh, sure, but we don’t have much ti-”

“It’ll only take a second. I just need to talk to you.” 

You furrowed your brow. Ben was never this intense. Even during training, he was always relatively shy and wasn’t the leading type. He grabbed your hand and pulled you aside into a small alcove by the entrance of HQ. 

“What’s going on?” You asked him quietly. He was still holding your hand tightly, constricting your blood flow.

“Listen.” He glanced to the side a couple of times, scouting his surroundings, then grabbed your other hand. “Ever since I met you in training, you’ve been, uh, special to me.”

Your eyes widened. 

“Ben, this isn’t the time or place for this kind of thing!” you hissed.

“But we might die!” He shot back. “And I don’t want to die without telling you that I-”

“Just stop! You decide to tell me this now out of all of the times we’ve almost died? What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

You knew then that you might’ve taken it a bit too far. You sighed.

“Look, I’m sorry,” You said, looking up into his hazel eyes. You didn’t know if your eyes were deceiving you, but his face seemed much closer than it had been before. “I know that you have a lot going on in your head right now and you probably aren’t thinking straight. I know I’m not, but I know that I definitely don’t fee...” your voice trailed off. Ben was right in front of you now, growing closer, and closer, and-

“BEN!” You freed your hands from his grasp and shoved him backward with all the force you could muster. “I care about you, but not like that! ...Please, just.... stop.” Without saying another word, you turned your back to him and walked back to your squad as quickly as you could.

Today just keeps getting better and better.

“Emilia!” Theres ran up to greet you and wrapped you in a hug. “I’m so glad you’re ok. I didn’t see you earlier, and I heard about the attack, and…” she was talking so fast that she was struggling to speak at all.

“What squad did you get assigned?” 

“3,” She said. “With Chris, Sofie, Penelope, Hanna, and Franz. What about you?”

“2,” You said solemnly. Your expression shifted as a thought occurred to you. “Where are they?”

Theres smiled softly and pointed across the plaza to a small group of cadets. Without saying so much as a word, she grabbed your wrist and pulled you off to them.

“Ok people, listen up!” Theres thundered. “I’m going to make a pact with ALL of you, right here, right now. A blood oath,”

You raised an eyebrow. 

“A blood oath, huh,” Chris mused. “I’m in.”

“Then me too!” Penelope grinned.

“Same!”

“Yeah!”

“Ok then, so,” Theres began. “Get your sword and cut your palm. Like this,” She winced slightly as blood began to ooze from her self-inflicted wound. The rest of you followed.

“Press your hand against everyone else’s, and promise me: You’re coming back alive. And by the way, this isn’t goodbye -- it’s an agreement to get drunk off our asses later!”

**TROST DISTRICT**

It was so much worse than you could’ve ever imagined. One after another, titans appeared in the area, some less than 5 meters, some as large as 13, but all of them sharing those same horrifying faces that would surely be etched into your nightmares for days to come. Your group had been lucky; none of the members -- Connie, Ymir, Christa, and Jean -- had been killed as of yet. But you also were on the defensive, avoiding titans as much as possible. Thus far, most of the titans were still congregated at the Vanguard. You knew it wouldn’t last much longer, but you were reveling in your pseudo-safety for as long as you possibly could.

“10 meter approaching, on your left, Emilia!” Jean shouted at you from the steeple of a church. It was now or never. 

Using the leverage from the buildings and the cityscape as cover, you swung around the back of the monster’s neck, aligned yourself at the nape, and swung your swords through the ugly bastard’s nape as though your life depended on it -- it did depend on it, after all. Flickers of your memories from the past day flashed through your head; you could hear Sofie mocking you, Ben trying to kiss you, Eren’s speech… It was all there. Blood splattered over your face and your uniform, steaming off of it in a glorious show of strength. You weren’t doing this for humanity. You weren’t doing this for Ben, or Sofie, or Eren. You were doing this for Lina. And every titan you killed was one step closer to finding her.

“Emilia, get back on the roof!” Christa yelled at you from above. You hadn’t realized it, but you had been standing on the steaming carcass of your first kill for a bit too long, and more titans in the area were beginning to take notice.

“Sorry, coming!” You hooked back onto the roof and ran to meet your friend. You scanned the city around you as you did, looking for threats. If only you had noticed the one behind her sooner.

“Christa!” You shrieked. A titan, probably 14 meters, had appeared behind the tiny blonde, its hand reaching out to grab her. 

“Get away from her!” Ymir screamed louder than you had heard anyone scream before, slicing into its neck with a terrifying power coursing through her. The titan fell to the ground, dead instantaneously. 

“That was way too close” You sighed softly. Ymir was next to you now, holding Christa tightly. 

“Keep a better eye on her next time, ‘ya hear me?” Ymir snarled in your ear. 

“Both of you need to be more careful,” Jean grumbled. “Especially you, Emilia. Stay close. Remember what you said?”

“Guys!” Connie shouted from a ways off. “It’s Armin!”

You nodded to Jean, Christa, and Ymir, and the three of you took off in his direction. 

When you reached the rooftop, an unconscious Armin was being vigorously shaken by Connie. 

“Wake up! Armin! Hey! Can you hear me?” 

Connie continued to shake him.

“Snap out of it! I need you to talk to me! Say something!”

You began to step forward to help Connie, but Jean pulled you back, shoving you into his side and keeping hold of your arm. 

“Stay put,” He said. “Look, Armin’s back with us,”

“Are you with me now? What’s going on?” Connie spoke with a now conscious Armin. “Where’s your squad?”

You waited with bated breath for his answer.

Please, tell me they’re off somewhere else. Please. You prayed silently.

You received no such answer. Instead, Armin released a bloodcurdling scream, chilling you to the bone. Jean gripped your arm tighter. 

“YOU’RE WORTHLESS! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE!” The blonde screamed in agony. 

“Hey! You need to get yourself together! Where is everyone?”

Armin looked up at him, eyes watering.

“Let it go, Connie. He’s it.” Ymir spoke from the hip of the roof. “The rest of them are dead.”

“Damnit! Don’t talk like that! We can’t assume he’s the only one!” Connie protested, shaking his fists.

“Take a look around you. Isn’t it obvious? We can’t waste any more time here with him. We’ve gotta move on,” Ymir said coldly. 

Ymir and Connie continued to bicker, but you tuned them out.

Mina… Thomas... Eren…

You felt your mouth beginning to quiver. Beside you, Jean gritted his teeth. 

“No…” You felt the word escape your mouth without meaning it to.

“But- Armin!” Connie shouted after the blonde, who was now jumping off of the roof. 

“Connie!” Jean spoke for the first time in a while. “Hop to! We’ve been given orders to advance!”

“Where did Armin-” You began to ask.

“To meet with the rear guard. I think he’s going to tell Mikasa… about Eren.”

You swallowed hard, holding back tears. Jean relinquished his grip on your arm and gave you a firm nod. “Let’s go,” You said softly.

~~

“Hey Jean, what are we gonna do?!” Connie pressed him as he sat miserably on the top of the roof. You had rendezvoused with several other groups towards the vanguard, but due to certain… miscalculations, you were stranded, dead in the middle of titan territory.

“We can’t do anything,” he muttered, face downcast. He sighed and lifted his head, holding it up with his hand. “They finally gave us the order to withdraw, and we were all out of gas, of course. I can’t believe this is how it’s gonna end. Because of those damned cowards…”

Connie turned to face Jean sharply. “You mean the supply depot? What is going on? Where are they?”

“They all lost their will to fight. I can understand why... but they abandoned their duty to supply us, barricading themselves inside HQ. And of course, titans have swarmed the place, which means we can’t get the gas ourselves.” Jean trailed off.

“Then why are we waitin’?! We gotta go! Start thinning their numbers so we have a chance!” Connie shouted at him. “Sitting here on this roof is totally pointless! Eventually, the titans are gonna come for us! We don’t have much gas left; we’ll just waste what little we have if we try to run. And without our mobility, we’re completely screwed!”

Jean looked up at his friend, his eyes as sunken as your old commandant. 

“You’re using your head for once, Connie. Nice going. But I’m just not sure if we have the numbers needed to pull this thing off... The veterans in the vanguard force have all been killed. How exactly do a bunch of rookies pull off a suicide mission like this?”

Jean began to ramble.

“I mean, let’s assume even half of our force survives the initial assault… then what? The supply room is probably crawling with titans in the 3 or 4-meter range. I don’t see us accomplishing much in there.”

Connie took a sharp breath.

“It’s hopeless,” He sighed.

“God, what a dull life this turned out to be… I never even got to tell her just how I feel,” Jean said lowly. 

You laughed quietly to yourself. 

“What’s funny?” he looked up at you, narrowing his eyes.

“It’s just, um… I… saw someone do that earlier and it didn’t go well for him. Probably best you didn’t.”

“Yeah, well, Mika-”

From your periphery, you could see her. 

“Mikasa?” Jean whispered. He stood up and walked clumsily over to where she was talking to Armin, as though he couldn’t believe his eyes. You couldn’t tell what the two were talking about, but you braced for the worst. Then, just as he had done before, Armin cried out.

“The cadets of squad 34… Thomas Wagner... Nack Tierce... Milieus Zeremski… Mina Carolina… and Eren Jaeger… These brave 5 upheld their duties… and they died… valiantly on the field of battle.”

Though you already well knew, it was a punch in the gut to hear out loud. Mina, the girl you shared so many fond memories with… and Eren, who always had your back… both dead. You balled your fists tightly, not caring in the slightest about the imprints your nails would later leave on your palms.

“Marco,” Mikasa spoke calmly. You wondered how she was holding it together. “If we eliminate or bypass the titans at HQ, we can refuel, allowing us to pass over the wall -- is that assessment correct?”

“Well, uh, yeah, I guess so, sure. But there’s just too many of them out there… Even with you on point.” 

“I can do it.” Her voice was cold as ice, matching the sound of her blades drawing. “I’m strong. Real strong. None of you come close. You hear me? I am a warrior!”

You noticed Reiner and Bertholdt look at each other strangely as she spoke. Did they really not believe in her?

“Know this,” Mikasa continued, “I have the power to slay all of the titans that block our path -- Even if I have to do it alone. As far as I’m concerned, I’m surrounded by a bunch of unskilled, cowardly worms! You disappoint me. You can just sit here, and twiddle your thumbs, and watch how it’s done,” she spat.

Protests erupted from your comrades, but Mikasa was in no mood to hear any of it.

“If I can’t beat them, then I die. But - if I win, I live. And the only way to live is to fight!”

Your eyes widened.

If you didn’t fight, you would never see her. You would never save her. 

“Well don’t just stand there!” Jean shouted. “We weren’t taught to let our comrades fight alone! Unless you are a coward, in which case, stay out of my way!” 

You smiled softly. It seemed that Jean had snapped out of it, and so had you. 

With a fierce battle cry, the remainder of the recruits lept in the action, leaving nothing behind but their inhibitions. 


	6. Chapter 5 - Shifting Gears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion of the battle for trost arc! finally. The next chapter will follow Emilia through the next 2 days as she simultaneously celebrates and mourns. lots of drama;)

One by one, the comrades that had been so eager to throw themselves into the fray of battle were eaten. Detached heads sailed through the air as legs were ripped from torsos, tendon by tendon by bone by chunk of flesh. Screams sounded from below the rooftop you stood, creating a horrifying melody of pain and sheer terror. Your fellow soldiers were already half-eaten by the time you arrived; it was all you could do to bear witness to their death. 

_No. That’s a lie. I could do more if I wasn’t such a goddamn coward._

You clenched your jaw tightly, squeezing your eyes shut.

“LET’S GO!” Jean commanded. 

You looked at him in shock. Was he… saying what you thought he was saying?

“Make a break for HQ while they’re distracted!”

You gasped softly as he began to sprint across the rooftops, wind at his back. It was so unlike him to face danger so head-on. It almost reminded you of-

You shook your head. Now wasn’t the time to think of the dead. Pushing off of the balls of your feet, you took off running after him. 

“Give it everything you’ve got!” 

Following his lead, you leaped into the air and began to use the very last of your gas to zip between a group of titans. You could hear those behind you getting grabbed, getting caught, getting eaten, but you kept your face forward, allowing the wind hitting you to dry your eyes before you could cry. If you died, there would be no one left to mourn for them. And just as you felt the last of your gas leaving the tank of your gear with a sputter, your feet shattered the stained glass window of HQ, and you knew you had made it.

“We… made it” Marco whispered.

You surveyed the room. It was an administration office, lined with bookcases and paneled with expensive-looking wood. The center of the room was dotted with desks, papers still stacked and scattered about, completely untouched since the evacuation earlier that day. 

“Hold on a sec,” Jean stammered, staring slack-jawed at a pair of soldiers cowering beneath the furniture. “You guys are the supply team?” 

Suddenly filled with rage, he grabbed the collar of one and thrust him out from where he was hidden, then punched him square in the jaw with a deafening crack.

“Jean!” Marco restrained him, but Jean still struggled to break free of his grip, determined to beat the shit out of his target.

“You cowards! You left us out there on our own! People are dead because you didn’t have the guts to do your job!” He spat.

“The titans were coming at us from every angle!” One of the girls cried. “They got into the supply room, ok?!”

“It’s your job to deal with it and back us up anyway!”

“HIT THE DECK!” Reiner exclaimed loudly as the building shook from a sudden impact. Down the hall from where you stood, you could see the smiling face of a titan peering through the hole it had just made in the stone walls of the castle, and its eyes were trained on you.

“Son of a-” Jean whispered.

“There’s too many people!” 

“They can smell us!”

A panic ensued. Left and right, soldiers clamored to escape beyond the reach of the titans, trampling over each other as they did. But to your horror, Jean stayed frozen, staring at the monsters in front of you all. 

“Jean!” You shouted at him desperately. “Please! Come on!”

It was no use. He had lost himself. But as you ran to go grab his arm and drag him away, another sight caught your eye. A large hand, slamming into the faces of the titans that were about to eat your friend. Another titan. 

“WHAT?” 

Now you were frozen as well, captivated by the scene that was unfolding before you. 

“Wha…” Your voice trailed off.

Suddenly, you heard the sound of glass breaking and crashing to the floor, along with the sound of two people hitting the wooden floors of the building, hard.

“Mikasa!” Jean said, visibly shocked. “You’re-”

“Wow, close one!” Connie laughed nervously, cutting Jean off. “I was running on fumes… we made it here though. Crazy, but we did!” 

Jean approached Mikasa slowly as she stood up. 

“You- I- Am I dreaming this or what?”

You smiled softly. He had always cared for her so much, and you hated to see him worrying about her. Meanwhile, Connie was slapping Armin on the back, blabbering something about certified geniuses.

“Check it out!” Connie declared to the group of cadets now cowering in the corner. “We found an abnormal that’s got a bone to pick with its own kind!” He pointed toward a 15-meter titan with shaggy black hair and a mouth like a bear trap. It seemed so familiar…

“And the best part? He couldn’t care less about us! That’s right, you heard me! This big, beautiful, SOB is our ticket outta here!” 

“You mean like fighting fire with fire?” One boy asked, slack-jawed. Murmurs filled with a tinge of hope rippled through the small crowd, but Jean wasn’t having it.

“Listen to yourself, a titan’s not gonna help us! You’re out of your mind if you think this could wor-”

“It is working.” Mikasa cut him off. “For whatever reason, he’s rampaging against them. Stand back and let him do it. Trust me, you’ll see.”

In the background, you could hear the rage-filled screaming of the abnormal, followed by the sound of massive bodies hitting the ground. 

“Either way,” she continued, “what choice do we have? Right now, that thing is our best chance at survival.”

You watched in awe as the beast used real fighting techniques against its brethren, throwing them to the ground like ragdolls. 

“Look at him go!” Connie mused, “This guy makes the others look like total weaklings!”

You watched the battle royale in front of you, then turned to the group in the corner.

“We should get down to the elevator while they’re distracted. Right now, it seems like they’re a lot more interested in him than us -- and we can use that,” You said, glancing at Armin. If anyone would know how to get you all out of this situation, it was him. He nodded and stood up. 

“Come on,” He said tentatively. “We have a supply room to take.”

~~

  
Armin’s plan was as simple as it was terrifying. To take back the supply room, you would have to take seven titans in the 4-meter range. The only problem was, in such a small space and with little to no gear left, that would be no easy feat. To compensate, the mousy blonde decided to use the small space to your advantage to get the titans exactly where you needed them. The group would slowly be lowered down into the room, holding guns directly in front of them. Once the titans were eye level with the guns, you would shoot, blind them, and then seven of you, perched on the metal beams weaved into the ceiling, would take out their nape in one blow -- at the same time. 

As the elevator began to lower, you could feel yourself shaking. There were so many ways that this could go wrong. Hell, it would be a safer bet to go gambling right about now. You were one of the seven nominated for the job, but you had never felt less qualified. You looked up at Jean to your left, and Mikasa to your right. They were both so strong, so capable. 

“I know that look,” Jean said to you, a hint of irritation in his voice. “You’re just as capable as the rest of us, though I know you don’t like to believe that you are.”

You began to argue, but before you could, he spoke again.

“And if you don’t think you’re deserving of #4, then prove to me that you are, hotshot,” He smirked ever-so-slightly. And once more, you could tell he was just as nervous as you. 

“I will.”

As the elevator came to a halt, the titans began their slow advance, creeping in like floodwater through a crack under a door. Soon, they would be upon you. You snuck over to your perch on a metal beam, waiting patiently for the word that would spring you into action.

“Steady…”  
“Not yet…”  
“Almost…”  
“NOW!”

As soon as you could see the eyes of your titan blown out, you leaped into the fray, slashing wildly at the beast before you. Within seconds, you were once again standing above a steaming corpse, blood evaporating off of you.

You scanned the room, checking to see if everyone else was safe. You counted, one, two, three...

_Holy shit._

Both Sasha and Connie hadn’t sliced deep enough.

“Sasha and Connie missed!” Bertholdt exclaimed.

“Lead it the hell back!” Jean commanded.

You began rushing over to where Sasha was as she crawled backward on her hands in a sorry attempt to escape from the titan greedily eyeing her. You quickly thought through your plan of attack: using the metal beam above, you could get enough leverage to take it out, easy. But just as you were about to spring into action, Mikasa and Annie did what they had always done best - that is, being the best. 

“MIKASA” Sasha shrieked. “You saved my life!” 

Tears were streaming down her face as the traumatized girl clutched Mikasa’s jacket.  
“Are you ok?”

“Because of you, I am!” Sasha nodded rapidly.

“Then get up.”

Sasha scrambled to her feet, now seemingly more scared of the girl in front of her than she was of the titan that was about to eat her moments ago.

“They’re all dead!” Jean announced with a sigh. “Start loading up supplies!”  
He turned to you.

“I told you that you could do it, didn’t I?”

You bobbed your head up and down, still too afraid to speak. Though it wasn’t the titans you were afraid of -- you were truly afraid of losing your chance at seeing Lina again. Your legs grew weak, threatening to collapse.

“Hey, uh, you’re shakin-”

Jean’s eyes widened as you stumbled forward into his chest. It was an accident on your part; You were weak, scared, in mourning, and completely and utterly overwhelmed. And because Jean knew this, he pulled you closer and wrapped his arms securely around you. You exhaled softly, listening to the soft beating of his heart.

“I don’t know why I’m acting like this..,” You whispered against him.

Jean didn’t say anything, instead opting to just let the moment be. After a second, he loosened his grip on you and stepped back. “Let’s get our gear refreshed.”

With that, he walked away, leaving you with only your thoughts and your shaky legs. In a way, you were grateful he didn’t indulge your self-loathing, and his silence ended up being the perfect answer to your question -- better than you would’ve expected from him under normal circumstances. The Jean from training wasn’t nearly as sympathetic and protective as whoever the hell this was. But the same went for you. In training, you were fearless, putting your life on the line at every turn for a chance to join the MPs. Now, you were trembling from the very prospect of dying. Perhaps it was something about being so painstakingly close to the finish line you had lusted after for so long, but you were paranoid that something was going to go wrong.

“Emilia?”

“Theres?” You turned around to see your friend, alive and well. It was almost enough to make you break down right there and then. Dropping your blades on the floor, you ran and hugged her as hard as you possibly could.

“Mina… she didn’t make it,” You sobbed into her shoulder.

“No…” You could feel her body fall limp beneath your touch.

“Neither did Eren. They’re all… dead…”

You both cried with each other for a moment before Theres took a breath and began to speak again.

“Ben… Penelope… Chris,” She inhaled sharply. “They didn’t either.”

_Chris? No.._

You shut your eyes tightly, holding back tears. 

“What gave us the right to survive?” You said hoarsely, hanging your head low.

“Nothing. There’s not a single goddamn reason we did. And that’s what kills me.”

  
~~

**2:00 PM - Outside Trost**

  
Swirling your foot in the dirt of the street, you realized that you were more angry than sad. Time and time again, you had seen it. You had seen exactly how the papers wrote about the scouts and the military, bashing them for their low survival rate and their non-existent success rate, and most of all, their dumb sacrifices. “It’s for the good of humanity,” they’d say. “If not for these brave souls, we would not have made it to where we are,” they’d lie. Before joining the military, you gave them the benefit of the doubt; you didn’t know what was to be a soldier, or even what it was to have to sacrifice for the greater good. Any sacrifices that you had personally seen up close had nothing to do with “honor” or “saving humanity” -- they were nothing but pure selfishness and stupidity, such as your mother sacrificing the wellbeing of her children in exchange for getting drunk every day and night, only coming home to have sex with random men. If there was one thing you had learned, it was that these so-called “sacrifices” usually meant giving someone else away for your own personal gain, and it disgusted you to your very core. But what disgusted you even more was seeing that even in the military, your self-informed definition of a sacrifice still held up.

“I’m sick of this.” You muttered under your breath. You and Theres sat quietly on a bench in front of a vacant storefront, your feet kicking back and forth underneath you. 

“Sick of what?”

“What the fuck do you think I mean?” You began to raise your voice. “I’m sick of seeing people die for a greater good that we’ll never see! That’s what I’m sick of!” 

Heads were beginning to turn, listening in closely to your spat.

“I know. But if we can take back Trost, then-”

“HOW? Tell me Theres, how are we taking Trost back exactly? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like we’re completely fucked and we’re killing our friends for nothing.”

Theres pressed her lips together, thinking hard about her next move. 

“It’s always humanity this, humanity that -- but how are we saving humanity if we’re killing each other? Is that the humanity we’re saving? Really?” You continued ranting, not sure exactly who you were directing it to anymore. 

“It’s a war, Emilia. People are gonna die, as much as we don’t want them to. I just-” Theres paused. In all honesty, she agreed with you. She too was unconvinced that any of your comrades’ sacrifices truly meant a thing. But if blind hope was the key to getting out of this mess, she was willing to give it a try.

“You just what?” Your voice began to break. “Is it so wrong for me to be selfish for once in my life? I don’t give a damn about humanity! I want… I want my friends back.”

“And you think I don’t feel the same way?” Theres stood up, fists clenched tightly. “But we don’t have a choice. You signed up for this -- we all did.”

“Do you think Mina signed up to DIE? Ben? Penelope? Chris? Eren? Do you think any of them chose the military because they were just ecstatic at the prospect of being eaten alive? Nothing’s changing, Theres. We’re just going to keep dying meaningless deaths, and they’ll just keep calling it a noble sacrifice for humanity so they can get a fresh new batch of recruits to kill every year.”

“Emilia, please. I know you’re mourning and you’re not thinking straight, and we all are, but-”

“You know, Theres.” Your mouth drew back in a snarl. “You have a family to go home to. I bet it’s pretty easy to accept something like this when you already have everything you could ever want back in Trost, safe.”

Her bottom lip began to quiver. 

“How was I supposed to know any of that? You’ve never told anyone about why you’re here in the first place, much less your life story. You’re not the only one who’s been through shit, so stop acting like a victim.”

She huffed and began to walk away briskly, but after a few paces, she turned around to get one final word in.

“Being upset isn’t an excuse to be a bitch. So fuck. you. All you did was make everything worse.”

Her words turned your blood to ice, and as you stood in the middle of the street, the summer sun beating down on you, all you could think about was how you had never felt so cold before.   
Suddenly, you felt a light tap on your shoulder.

“Hey, uh… are you ok? I uh… well, all of us saw the whole thing,” Krista’s ice blue eyes met yours with a caring warmth, thawing you.

“I already know I was in the wrong,” You said quietly as her warmth coursed through your veins. “You don’t need to tell me. I don’t know what I was thinking, talking to her like that. She didn’t… deserve that.”

Krista stared up at you with a kind look on her face. “We all deal with this stuff differently,” she shrugged. “I don’t think anyone blames you, especially since we’re all thinking what you said. Just make sure you apologize to her later, and everything will be-”

A resounding boom cut her off as green lightning streaked through the clear blue sky. And from over by the wall, near the military base, you could see it. Titan steam, rising and coiling like a snake and flurries of embers swirling through the air.

“The hell was that?” You sputtered, and you ran out into the street with your neck craned so that you could get a better look. Jean, Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner were now beside you, captivated by the mystery of it all. 

“Not now… is that titan steam?” Jean said, fear in his voice.

And just as he did, the other three, Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner, took off towards the source, leaving all of you in the dust.

“Hey!” Jean shouted after them, hooking into the wooden beam of a building and propelling forward to follow them. Consumed by a mixture of terror and curiosity, you couldn’t help but do the same. 

“Emilia? Why did you follow us?” Jean questioned you as you landed behind him on a roof overlooking the base. 

“Why did you go after them?” You retorted. “I just wanted to s-”

“What the hell is that?” Reiner cut you off, staring off into the distance.

Out below, in the paved military courtyard, you saw both a miracle and a nightmare -- half of a steaming titan face, and attached to it, Eren Jaeger. You put your hand over your mouth to muffle your audible noises of shock.

“You didn’t hear, did you.” Jean looked down into your wide eyes as you breathed heavily into your palm. “...that Eren’s still alive.”

“No. I didn’t.”

~~

  
Daylight was slowly fading away, yet your hopes were as sky-high as they had ever been. If you hadn’t seen it with your own eyes, you might not have believed the commander, but after witnessing Eren’s titan ability, you were certain that something was about to change. Pixis had just finished explaining it very clearly. Utilizing Eren’s titan and a large boulder sitting near the busted gate, we would manually seal up the hole in Trost District and secure the first victory for mankind. Maybe, just maybe, your friend’s sacrifices would truly have meaning. 

“So, you saw it? He can actually, like, turn into a titan?” Connie was tugging at your sleeve, begging for confirmation.

“Yeah. Apparently, the abnormal from earlier was him, and then I saw him coming out of a titan carcass a bit later when I was with Annie, Bertholdt, Jean, and Reiner. You can ask them, too.”  
“Jean, you saw?” Connie turned his attention to his friend.

“Both times,” Jean answered in a low tone. “I just wish I knew what the hell was going on.”

_Well, I’m getting drunk tonight._

All heads turned to face you. 

“Did I… say that out loud?” You felt a hot flush creeping up your neck as your friends began to snicker at you.

“Well count me in,” Sasha wrapped her arm around your shoulder. “I really don’t want to think anymore..” she said glumly.

“If you’re getting drunk, I’m getting drunk,” Connie added.

Jean sighed. “Guess I don’t have a choice, do I.”

You turned to face Marco. “You in?” you smiled sadly at the freckled boy.

“I think I’ll leave the drinking to you guys, but I’ll definitely come along,” He laughed. “I’ll see you guys later, ok? We probably should all get to our assigned locations on the wall.”  
Jean and Sasha took off to their own respective spots, and you, Annie, Connie, Marco, and Armin arrived at yours swiftly. 

Not long after setting up the cannons and checking and double-checking the gunpowder, you heard a bang echo around and over the walls of the city, right to your ears. 

“What the hell’s up with the red smoke? What happened to him?” Jean had evidently made his way over to all of you as soon as possible.

“Uh, I don’t know -- but Armin’s gone to see,” Marco stammered, lowering his head. “But I… I think it’ll be alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course! I mean, this is Eren we’re talking about!” Marco said enthusiastically, but unconvincingly.

“Right,” Jean responded.

Connie glanced from left to right, as if he were reading the room. “I… don’t want to be that guy, but this whole thing… feels kinda pointless.”

Jean scoffed. “Hell, when’s the last time a fight against the titans didn’t feel like that, huh? The best thing now? Do what we can from losing anymore.”

“I don’t like the idea of so many of us being dead for nothing,” Connie shot, turning his back and walking away.

You bit your lip. That was exactly what you had said earlier.

“We have to pick our battles!” Jean snarled. “If we want to wage all-out war someday, we have to conserve all the manpower we can. This was the right call.”

The taste of iron was beginning to infiltrate your mouth from the effort of restraining yourself.

“Just be patient.” He continued.

“Was it the right call, though?” Connie said, unnerved.

“Yes! Of course it was!”

“Live to fight another day, is that it?” Connie turned around. “Right. I’m in.”

“And Emilia,” Jean shifted his attention to you. “Don’t think I didn’t hear everything you said earlier today to Theres. What I said applies to you too. Don’t forget that.”

You exhaled softly. “Then come on.”

~~

  
You couldn’t help but feel a sense of deja vu as you ran through the streets of Trost. Just earlier that day, you had been desperately trying to get out, and now, you were purposefully throwing yourself back into the fray. Feet stomping against the pavement with frantic steps, you knew you were in no position to stop and look back to see how many pursuers you really had. Every footstep stung, sending pain coursing through your ankles and up to your hips, but you weren’t done yet. Nowhere close. 

“Jean!” You heard Connie shout from behind you. 

“Get up the wall!” He shouted back. If you could just make it a few more steps, you’d have done it. But something felt off. When you finally made it up the wall, you were shy a person. The same boy who had just told you to get up the wall was missing -- Jean.

“Where is he?” You said breathlessly. “Where’s Jean?”

“JEAN!” Connie shouted down from the wall as loudly as he possibly could as you scanned the streets for any sign of him. 

And there he was, running down a street with titans in hot pursuit.

“What’s he doing?!” Connie said, eyes wide. “Why the hell isn’t he using his gear?” He gasped suddenly as if coming to a realization. “Hang on…”

You turned your head to meet him in the eyes, your breaths becoming shorter and faster.

“Don’t tell me it’s not working!”

You were practically hyperventilating at this point, air moving in and out of your lungs like a broken metronome. Then you realized, you weren’t breathing -- you were laughing. Your fingers on your temples, a petrified smile tore across your face as you laughed softly to yourself. 

_This can’t be happening. I’m not losing another person today. I have to… have that drink with them..._

“I’m not going to have someone else break that promise!” You shouted. As tears filled your eyes, you found yourself suspended in midair, in a controlled freefall, and heading to Jean. Your legs shook from the impact as you landed hard onto a tile roof and a sharp pain ran up through your bad ankle, but now wasn’t the time to get hurt. Jean wasn’t there to carry you out, now. You were the one repaying him. 

“Crap! Why’d he have to go be the hero...” Connie muttered as he ran beside you. 

“I don’t know what it is about today, but he’s a completely different person!” You said back between breaths. “Over there! That titan!” 

The three of you bolted over toward a 10 meter who was clearly chasing after something.

Chasing after Jean.

And from the roof, you could see him: sprawled on the ground, and in grave danger.

“JEAN!”

“HOLD ON!”

You and Connie flew towards him and the titan at lightning speed. Connie went with the ‘Hitting the thing in the head and distract him’ tactic, while you opted for a more conventional approach, spiraling towards him and slicing his nape.

But not deep enough.

“Are you insane?!” Jean looked up at the two of you on the roof from his position on the ground.

“What are you waiting for?” Connie urged him on. “Get out of there!” 

Jean took this advice, barreling away from his attacker and toward the wall. After dodging a few more titans yourself, you reunited with your Jean, Annie, and Connie, plus Marco, on top of the wall once more. 

“You idiots got a death wish?” He growled at the four of you.

“Don’t even start, man,” Marco said firmly back to him.

“Yeah, you scared the hell outta me!” Connie added.

“I really thought I was gonna lose someone else I care about today, you jackass!” You said through tears.

“Ok, ok, I get it,” Jean sighed. “And thanks. For saving my ass, I mean.”

Your conversation was suddenly halted by thundering footsteps cutting through the evening air. 

“No way…” Marco said faintly.

Annie said nothing, but you could tell by the look on her face that she was just as shocked as the rest of you. 

Against all odds, Eren had done it. He had managed to regain control over his titan and was carrying the boulder -- the key to your victory.

“Looks like we’re back on,” Jean said. “Focus on keeping Eren safe!”

You nodded and took off. For the first time that day, you could see it; you could see a meaning to all of this senseless death; you could see your way home to Lina. Fueled by the same determination that had overtaken you so many times before, in training, you redirected and subsequently killed titan after titan after titan. If you didn’t do this now, then you never would. The time for fear was long gone -- you just hadn’t fully realized it before. Being a soldier wasn’t just a means to an end anymore, either. You had found more people to protect, and you were willing to do anything to see that through. You might’ve lost Mina and Chris and Penelope and Ben, but you still had Theres. You had Krista, you had Sasha, Connie, Jean, Mikasa, Armin. All of them were still alive, and you had the power to keep them that way.

You lost count of how many you took down, but just like the day of the final examinations, you returned to reality with the sound of a bang. In training, it was a smoke gun -- in Trost, it was Eren, putting the boulder in place. 

He had done it.

All of you had done it.  
  



	7. Chapter 6 - Valley of Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thanks for over 500 hits!!!! For the first fic I've ever written, that's a lot -- and it means just as much (though I know that it's a relatively small amount).  
> This is definitely a shorter chapter but there lotssssssss of exciting stuff in it!!!  
> Enjoy ;)

**Chapter 6 - Valley of Ashes**

TW: MENTION OF S*XUAL AS*AULT

“Guess we won’t be having that drink, huh,” You huffed quietly as you stirred around the concoction that the military chefs had prepared for you. It had only been a few hours since the battle had ended, but to all of you sitting at that table in the mess hall - Theres, Sasha, Connie, and Jean - it felt like an entirely different day. 

Sasha whimpered, clutching her stomach. “I’m still not full, even after all that…” 

Normally, these kinds of comments would elicit a laugh from all of you, and maybe even a little teasing, but today, you stayed silent. The air was heavy with grief that night, weighed down even further by the absence of a certain tall, freckled boy. Laughing just didn’t feel right.

“What if… I had actually grabbed something from a liquor store on our way out of the city?” Theres whispered slowly, just within earshot.

“Theres!” You hissed, elbowing her in the ribs. 

“We... promised Chris we’d have that drink,” she said, her voice shaky. Now, you understood. This wasn’t drinking solely for the sake of forgetting; to Theres, this was her final tribute to the friends she cared so much about. This was your tribute to the boy you cared for.

“We did, didn’t we.”

“We did.”

“Then... give me some,” you said, offering your glass to her under the table. 

A chorus of ‘me too’s rung around the table, and within a minute or so, Theres’s large flask was bone dry -- and most of it was in your cup.

As dinner went on, you continued to sip, reveling in the burning sensation the alcohol left in your throat. In its own small way, this was your retribution. You were sorry. So, so sorry. Eventually, the burning in your throat turned to an overwhelming all-over heat, and with a start, you stood up, pushed your chair out, and announced that you were getting some air.

As you slowly stumbled out, you could hear some sort of conversation about you coming from your table. Something about… making sure you didn’t get assaulted?

_ Whatever. _

“Emilia,” A voice that potentially belonged to Jean came from behind you. “I’m coming with you, ok? You’re too plastered to be alone right now.”

“Mmmmmm ok,  _ Jean-boy _ ,” you giggled and grabbed his wrist, pulling him up the stairs and toward the door. After walking for a bit in the cool night air, the two of you stopped to sit on a well-lit staircase a ways down from the mess hall.

“ _ Jeannnn-boyyy _ ,” You sang, leaning back. “Have I ever told you about me? Like, everything,” 

“I think you’re not in your right mind right now and you probably shouldn’t,” He responded, looking away from you. He looked so strong right now, so… capable. And since your better judgment didn’t exist at that moment, you scooted in closer to him and snuggled up, placing your head in the crook of his neck.

Jean thanked god that it was dark, or you would’ve seen the bright red color that his face turned.

“Mm,” you hummed softly as you wrapped your hands around the underside of his arm and pulled him even closer. 

“Emilia.” His voice was stern. “I can’t let you act like this. You’re drunk and you’re sad and you’re  _ definitely _ not thinking straight.”

You pulled away and pouted, staring directly into his eyes. “Oh really?” You teased, walking your fingers up his arm. He shivered at your touch.

“Really.”

“Hmph. I just wanted to be near someone, but you’re being a real dick tonight.” You glared at him playfully. “I’ll find someone else, then,” With a huff, you crossed your arms, stood up, and began to walk away.

Then, a hand pulled you back. 

Jean sighed deeply. He knew that if he let you go off on your own, he’d be leaving you vulnerable, but on the other hand, if he let you go back to the mess hall, you would definitely get busted for drinking -- and you didn’t look like you were going to be sobering up any time soon. “For your information, I’m  _ definitely _ being the opposite of a dick. Trust me on that. And I’d rather you be like this with me than some random guy who could take advantage of you, alright? C’mere.” He pulled you in close so that his arm was around your waist and your head rested on his chest. 

Jean had always thought that you were beautiful, but seeing you like that, with your eyelids fluttering gently and your cheeks flushed red, was almost too much for him to handle. The two of you stayed like that, in comfortable silence, for a few minutes before you finally spoke.

“If I can just make it to the MP, I’ll be able to track down Lina” You drawled. 

Jean cocked his head to the side, confused. 

“Lina?”

You exhaled loudly. “My… older sister. She’s the best. She would always cook for me and teach me how to read and write... and she would always stand up for me,” You said, a sly smile beginning to form at the corners of your mouth. 

“You said… track down -- what do you mean by that?”

Your smile dropped.

“Three years ago, er, six months before I joined the cadets, I left for one second to go get her birthday present, and…” Your voice trailed off and you took a shaky breath. “She was… tied up and these… three, no, two men were laughing… and I came in… and,”

Jean knit his eyebrows together in concern.

“I was only twelve and they just… they had no mercy on me. They didn’t want me to follow them or tell the military... so they made sure that I couldn’t. But I made it out into the street anyway… they ignored me. Everyone just… walked away,” you sniffed, leaning further into your friend.

He rubbed your arm up and down gently, trying to comfort you best he could. He wasn’t entirely sure of what you were getting at, but he could put enough of the pieces together to form a coherent picture.

“And then they found me on the street… three… no, four,” you sighed, “I’m not sure. But they took me to the base for treatment… and he said if I joined the military in the summer, I could stay until then.”

“Who?”

“Mmmmm… classified!” You snickered and winked at him. Jean was taken aback by your sudden change in mood; you had seemingly gone from a sad drunk to a happy drunk in a matter of seconds. “But I’ll tell you if you get me more alcohol!”

He laughed uncomfortably. “Yeah, uh… not gonna happen.”

“You’re so mean!” You pouted, staring up at him with puppy dog eyes. He couldn’t lie -- it was really, really hard to say no to that face.

“And  _ you’re _ so drunk. You’ll thank me tomorrow.”

“Yeah? Well, uh… you’re...eh...” It was getting hard to come up with comebacks. 

Jean raised his eyebrow. “I’m what?”

“...an asshole,” you said reluctantly, burying your face into the crook of his neck. From your position, you could feel his chest rising and falling as he breathed. Gently, you tilted your face up toward him so that your lips met his jaw, and your nose met his lips. You could feel the breath entering and leaving his mouth, his hands gripping your hips, and his heart beating faster and faster. If there was a moment for Jean to make his move on you, it was now. 

But he just… couldn’t. As much as Jean desperately wanted to let this continue and kiss you until the both of you were numb and shaking, he knew that this was all wrong. You were drunk, and hurting, and not in your right mind, and so was he, minus the plastered part.

He cleared his throat and turned away.”I think… you should go to bed. Sleep it off.”

Your breath hitched and your eyes began to water.

“Please... don’t go. Everyone is gone now. Ben’s dead because of me! I didn’t... Mina...Penelope… Chris, too. And Marco’s missing! You know that Jean! They were my family… since I lost Lina,” You whispered, grabbing his collar in a sad attempt to keep him from standing up.

“You’re not gonna be alone. I’m handing you over to Theres,” He looked down at you with a sad smile. “She can definitely help you better than I can…” Jean muttered.

And so you took his hand to steady yourself, stood up, and began your trek in silence. All the while, though, you clung to Jean like a child clinging to their mother in a crowd. It seemed that there wasn’t really a need for words anyway.

“I’m grabbing Theres -- stay put, alright?” He said as the two of you arrived at the door of your room. The building was dark and quiet, as most everyone else was still at dinner. Jean closed the door slowly as it creaked and began to walk away.

“Wait.” You grabbed his hand and looked him in the eyes as he turned to face you. “Stay. Please don’t go. I can’t…”

He gave you a confused look. “I told you, you won’t be. I’m getting Theres and she’ll be right-”

His words stopped coming as you suddenly clung to him tightly, your body on his.

“I really need you  _ here _ !” You exclaimed tearily. “And if you go, how will I know you’ll be back?!” Your tears began to stain the boy’s shirt as you continued to hold him close. “I told so many people I care about that I’d see them later today... and I’ll never see them again… because they’re…”

“I know.” He responded calmly, a hint of sadness to his words.

“ If I let you leave now… and you don’t come back…”

“I know.”

“I’m not losing anyone else! I already lost Chris!” You cried.

“You’re not.” His voice was serious, yet warm -- a stark contrast from the snarky, sarcastic Jean you knew. He peeled your arms off of him and set his hands on your shoulders, looking at you intently. “I promise you, right here and now, that you’re not going to lose me. I can’t promise for everyone else, but I’ll do my best to protect them too. And if I break that promise… well, uh… I don’t know... But you get what I’m saying!”

You lifted your head, sniffing. “I’m so, so, sorry. For how I’m acting tonight, I mean. Being drunk, and then making you do all-”

“You’re always apologizing,” He laughed as he cut you off and relinquished his grip on your shoulders, “It’s not like the rest of us didn’t drink too. And, also -- I don’t know when you’re gonna get it through your head that you mean a lot to a lot of people… I saw how you looked at Chris, and... I hope you know that we all feel that way about you. Er, not  _ romantically _ , but, uh,” He trailed off as he watched your eyelids flutter. 

“I didn’t realize…” you slurred. “That you cared so much… I really… cared about him. I don’t know what loving someone is, but I know that I… don’t know.” 

Jean sighed. You definitely were way too tired to comprehend anything that he said or that you were saying. “Yeah, well. Get some rest.” He said as he guided you to your bed. “I’ll be back with Theres in a minute.”

“Yeah,” You murmured, now splayed out amidst your sheets. “See you then.”

~~

The next morning, on top of a brutal hangover, you received an even bigger headache: your assignment for the Trost cleanup operation. The Brass put you on body identification, a task that included counting the dead, naming them, and praying to God that they weren’t someone you knew. So far, you had been lucky; none of the rotting, mutilated corpses you had come across thus far belonged to any of your comrades, though it didn’t make it any easier... Body after body, you couldn’t help but wonder who they were, what they dreamed of, and how they died. For some, it was obvious -- you could see it in their expression, forever frozen in time. But every so often, you’d come across an arm, a leg, or even a torso. Those were the worst to examine. Without a face to go with them, you would never know if they were someone you knew. You caught yourself looking for telltale scars, marks, or other indications that they were a friend of yours, but each time, you found nothing. 

_ This was… preventable. Wasn’t it? _

You felt your eyes sting as a harsh wind blew through the streets, blowing your mask up into your face.

“You doing ok over there?” Reiner called out to you from across the way.

“About as good as any of us can be right now,” You replied, glancing off to the side. “I just… really don’t want to reunite with some of my friends this way.” 

You walked forward as you spoke absentmindedly, now even further consumed by your fears, when you ran into a wall. Well, not a wall.

“Shit, sorry,” A familiar voice said. 

“...That didn’t help my headache,” You grumbled, albeit jokingly. You lifted your head to meet your attacker in the face, only to see the person you wanted to see least. 

Jean.

Your face was immediately consumed by a hot flush.

You remembered  _ everything _ from the night before -- how you had been all over him, flirting shamelessly, crying your eyes out, spilling your darkest secrets -- and since he was nowhere near as drunk as you, you knew that he remembered too. 

Yet he acted as though nothing had happened.

“How are you feeling?” He asked slowly as his head reached up to scratch the back of his head. 

You glanced down at your feet, shifting them in the dirt. “I’ve been better.” Your answer to him was curt, yet simultaneously polite. Your thoughts, on the other hand, were much like the product of leaving infinite monkeys at infinite typewriters for an infinite amount of time; that is to say, jumbled. 

_ How is he acting like everything is normal? I was a mess last night and I relied on him  _ way _ too much -- I even knew that at the time, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just don’t understand how he can pretend as though nothing happened... _

Suddenly, a very angry sounding shout came from down the street, interrupting your train of thought. “GET BACK TO WORK!”

Both of you laughed awkwardly. 

“We should, uh..”

“..Yeah.”

As though you could read each other’s thoughts, you and Jean began to saunter down the road, surveying as you went. You continued for a bit in silence, taking in the quiet company of the other -- an unspoken agreement. Every once in a while, your hands or shoulders would brush, sending a shock up your body along with an unpleasant reminder of your actions the night before. It was humiliating, knowing how pathetic you had acted. Eventually, it was too much to handle; You had to say something.

“You’re not mad?” 

Jean looked at you, a confused expression painted across his face. “Why would I be mad?” 

You responded with an even more confused look. “Why wouldn’t you be? I was a mess, and I burdened you, and I was all over you, and-”

“Emilia.”

“ _ Nobody _ else reacted like I did. I was being selfish! I mean, everyone lost someone yesterday but I drank too much and made it about-”

“Emilia.”

“How are you excusing  _ any  _ of this!?”

“Because I’m not gonna be pissed off at you for grieving, that’s why!” Jean suddenly burst out. “From what you told me, you have a lot on the line -- and before you start telling me to forget it, I won’t. That’s non-negotiable. So, get it together, get back on your feet, and move forward.”

“How can you say that when you know my reasons are entirely in the past!” You argued back.

“Because your sister isn’t some dumb mistake that you made! Finding her is actually important.” He turned around and put his hand on your shoulder, then continued. “Fuck Emilia, if I could confidently say that Marco is alive and I’m finding him right now, that’s what I’d do! But he’s not here. There’s been no sign of him for the past few days.”

You froze, eyes locked in front of you. “Jean,”

“I know we’ve tried to avoid the subject because we don’t want to think about it, but-”

“Jean,”

“What?” he shot. Jean instantly regretted his tone upon seeing how pale you had become and witnessing the trembling of your hands. He turned his head slowly to face whatever it was that had you so spooked.

It seemed you had found Marco after all. 

Jean began to clutch your shoulder more tightly, eliciting more and more pain. You didn’t notice. All you could see was your half-eaten friend as a lifeless corpse, and there was no getting around it.

“That’s not him,” Jean whispered.

“Jean. That’s him.” You said through tears. 

“He… He wouldn’t have…” he said breathlessly. “It… can’t be…”

“Do you have a name for this one?” One of the officers came up behind the two of you, clipboard in hand.

Neither of you answered.

“I need a name. It’s been two days. The titans’ll be the least of our problems if a plague breaks out, so please, just give me some identification.”

“M-Marco Boldt. Uh, 104th cadet corps. Southern Division.” You finally managed. Jean’s grip on your shoulder still hadn’t ceased. You put your hand over his and looked up behind you into his eyes, only to find that there was no shine, no glow, no light. 

And you knew that it was your turn.

~~

Flames crackled in the darkness, emanating a warm glow that starkly contrasted the occasion. Back in training, bonfires were for celebrations, such as the end of the year, holidays -- stuff like that. You would always go out in the woods with Chris and Theres to get kindling, scourging up whatever you could find upon the forest floor. Twigs, leaves, pine straw -- If it was dry and it would burn, you would grab it. But tonight, instead of collecting the fuel with your friends, you watched in horror as your friends became the fuel. 

Across from you, Connie was sobbing, grasping at his skull as though he were trying to rip out the memories of the past few days. Next to him, Sasha, Krista, Theres, and Ymir stood silently, the very definition of melancholy. And next to you, Jean, Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt, all five of you completely dead in the eyes. Jean slowly fell to his knees and began to mutter, breaking his silence.

“I’m sorry, Marco. I don’t even know which of these bones are yours anymore.” He shut his eyes tightly.

You glanced down at him, your gaze softening. For Jean, losing Marco was akin to if you had lost Theres. Losing Mina and Chris had been hard enough on you, and then, there was Ben. You blamed yourself. Maybe, if you had given him the answer he wanted, he would still be alive. Maybe, if you had done better,  _ everyone _ would still be alive.

Jean stood up suddenly.

“Hey, guys. Question for you.”

“Heh?” Krista inquired quietly.

Jean’s eyes were side, terrified, even. And deep down, you knew where this was going.

“So have you decided yet?” He blinked a few times. “Which regiment you’re joining? I’ve… made my choice,” Jean grabbed his wrist to keep himself from trembling more than he already was.

“It’ll be rough, but… I’m gonna join the scouts!” He burst.

“Jean…” You began to interject but stopped yourself. You had never felt more selfish in your life than at that moment. Here Jean Kirstein was, the boy who had prattled on and on for years about how he was joining the Military Police to live a cushy life in the interior, dedicating his heart for the sake of his fallen friend, and you were staying to the course. A part of you wanted to tell him to please, don’t, but you also knew that there was no hope of convincing him otherwise. And there was also no hope of convincing you of joining the scouts, either. 

_ If things were different, _ you thought,  _ I would. I would dedicate my heart to humanity. But humanity has done nothing for Lina. And until I find her, I owe them nothing. _


End file.
